Tuesday 10th April - Deep Inside The Forest Is A Door Into Another Land

Here is our life and home, We are safe, if for ever in the beauty of this place all alone, We keep on hoping,
Maybe,
There's a place where we don't have to run,
Maybe,
There's a time we'll call our own, living free in harmony and totally debt free,
We keep on hoping, Maybe,
Take me home, take me home.

I cannot find this door in the forest to take me to this other land. I have just sorted my wages out again, which I hate doing, because it's so dammed difficult. I have paid the mortgage, THAT telephone bill, the heating oil again (three months oil gone in 6 or 7 weeks, AGAIN,) and the secured loan.

£1,300 gone in seconds. Now, there is no cash left for petrol for the month, the Council tax, my cigarettes, and my business.

How I wish I'd never, ever, ever, seen this house.

The business closes at the end of this month. 2 years work down the pan. What a criminal waste of my life, my hopes, dreams and ambitions.

And all for a stupid house.

I'll feel better tomorrow. I promise. Okay then, I hope.
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Sunday 8th April - Happy Easter

Its just another working day for me though, and I guess that's the same for a lot of people. Its a great shame how we seem to have lost the true meaning of Easter isn''t it?

Now, in Norfolk, my Easters are full of Caravans! Edde2sox, think of me at the banger/caravan derby tomorrow won't you?! But, I suppose working Easter is better than working Christmas Day (which I'm also scheduled to work this year as well)

Okay, its 6am, just about ready to go through the door. Again. Hopefully get back home for 2pm ish, then work on the business for a little while.

Telecom update: I forgot to mention yesterday that Telecom have given us back the full service, we were "reconnected" Thursday. So my 14 year old daughter is now happy again.

One of my all time favourite hobbies you know is anserwing(spellcheck!) the phone for my daughter - some days, this can be a full time job in itself.

Got "told off" by my line manager at work yesterday, who'd found out that I'd volunteered to work a week of nights, giving a colleague my week of days, rather than go out on a works night out. He just can't understand why anyone, least of all me, doesn't want to socialise! He's met everyone else's wife, apart from mine, and really thinks I'm cruel depriving her of this kind of life.

One day, I'll tell him, but not just yet.

Okay, got to run, until tomorrow
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Saturday 7th April - Must Record, Not Fade Away

Haven't blogged for four days! After my earlier mood swings this week, I've just kept my head down and kept busy.

Communication in our household - on my part anyway - has been minimal all week. Only had to go out once - that was Thursday afternoon, so, with exception to that, I've managed to stay in my world.

My mood has been at all time low. But, positive things this week: my new web site is up and running. Finished. All I've got to do now is add to it as I find new suppliers and lines. The search engine has been primed and is now much quicker. I eventually got round to putting a CD Rewriter in my computer so I've copied all the web pages onto CD, just in case I have another mishap with the computer dying.

So much pressure has just gone now! And, to be honest, I feel empty now sometimes, at a loose end- so strange! The plans with my second job have been thought about this week as well, and earlier on I was thinking about going into market trading to give the business a good kick start.
I've made enquiries with both North and West Norfolk councils, got their rent (pitch) prices, and then looked around for a market stall. The cheapest, decent one I found was £160.

But, like a lot of things, I've had to leave the idea alone because of the start up costs - with the rents, the stall and the stock of course - I worked out that I'd have needed about £600 just to start. And, in my position, that's just not viable.

Oh, one more thing. Checking the marketing site yesterday from Google's links, I've noticed that Google has picked up a couple of my earlier blogs from here and put the links under the marketing sites name. So, customers from everywhere can link me, the site, and this blog together.

That's not what I want - obviously. So I've had to edit a couple of my earlier posts yesterday. I don't want this site - my diary- getting mixed up with my business. No more business names in this blog!

And that's about it. The last few days have flown by, and its now 6am, Saturday, and I'm ready to leave for work again. Days today and tomorrow, back on nights Mon to Friday.

There endeth that week of freedom.

Until tomorrow,
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Monday 2nd April - Theres A Kind Of Hush, All Over My World

Firstly, Telecom still haven't, and I don't think, will, put the phone back on full service, despite what I've been told - twice- by them on the phone.

Basically, when I make a call on the phone I get a recorded message saying: "Your call is being diverted to BT. There isn't a fault, and you're not being charged."

Marvellous. It's good to talk, except when BT drop a whopper, dont record our calls (or charge for them for 6 months) and then, all of a sudden, send us an extra bill two weeks after the main quarterly one.

It's not my fault BT can't do their job properly. And on those grounds, and the fact that it's an extra bill, they agreed to extend the payment date till I get paid and restore full service in the meantime. BT - you want your a*se kicking - hard.

I haven't spoken to them today. Don't intend to either - fed up of all the promises, long conversations, just for nothing to happen. No more.

And secondly, there's a hush because there's a strange mood in the house between The Family. Got told off today as soon as my wife came in from work about always moaning, and that she's fed up of it. Virtually the first thing she said to me as she walked through the door. Fine, I don't feel like talking much, anyway.

Just worked away on the computer since I got up at 10.45 (!) - up late because I couldn't sleep last night so I got back up and stayed up to 2am.

My employer hounded me to work yesterday (Sunday) as well on top of everything else as they were short of staff. Told them that I couldn't go in as I hadn't got the extra petrol to get into work - and that's true. I tried to stay civil because I'm after all the work I can get after the next payday (when I've kept petrol money back for extra shifts). They kept ringing throughout the day, despite what I'd told them first thing on the phone, so, in order to stay civil, I didn't answer the phone again.

It rang for ages at a time, which peed the wife off even more. But, if I'd have answered it again, I'd have severely upset someone. And blew any chance of overtime this month.

Thanks again for the replies yesterday guys, I really appreciate your thoughts. I'm not making me out to be a martar (spelling) - its just that, I accept that there's other people involved here besides me. I can't talk about giving the house up with the wife; it would break her heart.

But, the way I am at the moment, and if it wasn't for other people being involved, I'll throw the lot in tomorrow and start again. Dewdrop - you're right though. I'll just keep plodding on, eventually, God willing (!) there'll be an end to this whole sad, sorry and pitiful state of affairs.

Somehow.

Until tomorrow
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Sunday 1st April - Shouldn't be thinking like this

It just keeps going from bad to worse and I'm starting to think the house I'm buying is just a big millstone around my neck

In amongst the turmoil today, I got to thinking about how things used to be. Mid life Crisis perhaps?

Whatever, it all started because if the extreme lack of money again. I began to ponder on the those days, long ago, of the £40 a week bedsit!

Shouldn't be thinking this way, but in a few desperate moments today, and only for a few, I toyed around with the idea of just selling up.

You see, I'm growing to hate the house. To me, it represents the cause of my poverty and constant struggle. There's always something going wrong, falling apart, running out, dropping off or whatever and it's never satisfied with whatever amount of money I pump into it - it still wants more. And I'm sick to death of it all. Oh, and cutting it's grass as well, that took me 4 hours or so today.

I spent my last pound yesterday, I've run out of tobacco (yes I'm on rollups now, as oppose to the "Tailor mades"), nothing left, no money left.

So, why is it then, that my son and wife have seen me struggling with this today, and said nothing about all the spare tobacco the son had in his car? Someones definately taking the mick out of me here. And no, I still haven't got any.

Im so fed up at being on the bottom of everyone's pile. Everyone seems to be taking the mick or just couldn't care less. Don't get me wrong, I'm after no favours, or sympathy.

Lets just say the prospect of jacking everything in, the house, the business,everything, seems really tempting at the moment. If it wasn't for the "Family"................

Until tomorrow
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Friday 30th March - So Angry with my lot today

just can't see the way forward somehow. Don't ge me wrong, I'm not asking for sympathy or anything stupid like that

But every day bills come through the door and I just can't do anything at all. Today is the day my wife is due to speak to Emma Schofield from KLFM's Sixth sense Psychic programme and she's due to ring Emma at 4pm today. I'm picking my son up from work so she can stay in, do tea, and make the phone call. This has been in the air since Valentines Day, when I paid for the reading for her as a special present.

I got up today and found BT's put the phone on restricted service because I still haven't paid that extra bill they sent out because their machinery wasn't doing the job right and didn't record all our phone calls, and they sent 2 different bills in a fortnight. I've paid the normal, quarterly bill but just can't raise funds to pay this extra bill.

Not yet, anyway.

And the wife also informs me we need more heating oil this payday, which is another £200 out of my wages, in addition to £94 Council tax and the last water bill, about £150 if memory serves me right.

And all this is on top of the increased mortgage and secured loan payments payments to clear the arrears.

Just can't see what I'm going to do at the moment.

The wife's going to be back in about 10-15 minutes, excited about making THAT call. And I've got to tell her that she can't. Telecom have agreed that, as its their fault for sending out an extra bill, they'll reconnect us today, but it will take up to 24 hours officially.

You know, life really stinks sometimes. The problem overall is that, this isn't just a bad month. It'll be the same next month, and the month after that. And it'll carry on for years to come. I just cannot break this problem and the circle of anger, frustration, desperation,hardship, and things going wrong, will carry on. Seemingly, for ever.

Okay, I'm getting ready for the wife coming back. Until tomorrow

Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

I'll Have a P please Bob

Or, rather, a Capital P. Found out today that there's a bug in my web page creator program on the computer, and any page I name with a capital letter is not converted to HTML, which means the web page isn't made properly!

Fortunately, I've only named one page with a capital letter, and that's the Privacy page. I've renamed the page using a small p but I've still got to correct over 2,300 pages that contain the old link with the Capital P!

Something else for the weekend then. Ah well, at least I found it before the site goes live!

Its now 6pm, and I'm quickly posting before I have to go out for the nightshift again. Apart from the Capital P heart stopping (breaking) moment, theres nothing to report from today really, except the wife had to go into work again on a day off because we, or rather, the Vultures, want more money again.
Until tomorrow
Paul

Wednesday 28th March - half way through the week

And theres not a lot to report at the moment! I love this "normal" routine. Maybe that Negative Energy Blocker I made last week as part of this Law Of Attraction course is working

Well, apart from the mood side of my life that is. I'm fortunate this week in one respect because I'm in the Isolation stage again and just want to be left alone. and having to go out all the time again. But at least the debt letters, touch wood, are leaving me alone for a while.

It was a wonderful suprise on Monday because I managed to scurry off somewhere and spend the entire nightshift on my own until 6.30 in the morning. I hope I can do the same tonight.
Sometimes, just wanting to be on my own is the hardest part, but it is an important part of this thing I've got because, eventually, the isolation breaks the mood and I start to look forward to having company again.Then I start to climb back up at this point. Its just so hard to reach this breakeven point.

Apart from that, very tired, having just got up. Got three fairly important emails to answer which I'm just going to do now, then start getting ready for work and doing tea when everyone comes back home. Roll on 7am Saturday Morning!

Until tomorrow
Paul

Tuesday 27th - Almost there & the teabag chase

Do you ever see soething that you think is there? No, I havent lost it! But on Sunday we got low on tea bags - and I love my tea. Must drink gallons every day!

Anyway, teabags getting low, checked the cupboard, there's another box. No problem.

Sunday, 5pm (ish) the teabags ran out. Went to the cupboard, got the spare box out. Earl Grey, which someone had given us about Christmas time because they didn't like them.

Neither do I. Bloody horrible, in fact! I'm a traditional, English tea drinker, strong and sweet. so, at 5pm Sunday, I had a choice. Either go out to Fakeham and get a box of PROPER teabags, or just exist. I did try a cup of this Earl Grey to save going out, but no good. Threw it away. Yuk!

Faced with the second choice, rummaging through the cupboards, of coffee (Ok occasionally, but it upsets my stomach) and Cocoa (the malt in this makes my stomach feel as though it's full of glass within seconds of drinking a cup) I had to make an emergency journey to Fakenham, or otherwise go without a drink until the morning.

Full scale emergency journey to Fakenham. Acquired the box of 80 Yorkshire Teabags (nice and strong). £2.18. Back to normal. One and a half hours to decide what to do, go out and get some, then come home. Next time I'll double check the packets!!

OK, positive things about today. Spoken to both the mortgage and secured loans companies, agreed a repayment package to pay back the arrears we owe them, in addition to the normal payments of course. Legal action, providing I make the payments, avoided.

Web site up and running - put the index page up this morning. Let my search engine spider crawl the site whilst I was in bed after last night's shift. Uploaded the search engines search file when I got up this afternoon, got it working OK. I can now search my site! I've got to retune the search results file though as the search engine has picked everything up -good! but it takes an age to load because the sites so big. Not good! So I'll manually retune the results over the weekend, when I'm off from "work"

Then it's just a case of updating the site weekly as I find new lines to add.

Worst thing about today: the wifes had to work her day off because we need the money. Said to her this morning that I'm ashamed and embarrassed of the situation we're in. Still looking for the way forward. Still can't find it yet.

Thanks for your comments yesterday guys, really appreciate your kind thoughts. Because of the nature of this blog, I can't feel comfortable saying what I do or where I work. I can talk about things here because no one knows who I am. I don't want that to change, and I don't think I could face most people if they know so much about me.


Okay, time to get the tea ready for everyone, then out to work at 6.15 for another nightshift.
Until tomorrow,
Paul

Monday 26th March - One more week of nights

Well, here we are. After having the weekend off from "work" I'm ready for another week of nights. Roll on 7am Saturday!

Saturday I was still stressed out so I did nothing at all after getting up at 12.30 except check the old emails a couple of times.

I've had a couple of sales over the weekend too, nothing much, but I've got 10% to this months fees ($300, or, about, £160-170).

I've done a bit more cost cutting on the business by cancelling access rights to a couple of groups, so starting yesterday, and finishing about 10.30am this morning, I've taken about 250 groups out of the submitter. Very time consuming, but, by the end of this week when I review things again, I'd have saved the business about £60 monthly (which comes out of my wages, don't forget!)

Yesterday I concentrated on repairing THAT computer I picked up last weekend. Fitted a new power unit, but the things still dead. That's a motherboard (expensive) repair then, so I'm taking it back tonight. Haven't got the time nor the cash up front to repair it - besides that, the young man would be better off buying a new one. Yes, the repairs that big.

Two more pages to do on the new web site now - the privacy policy and the main home page. Laptops going to work with me tonight so I can get a headstart on this.

The St John's Wort isn't working anymore. I had an average day yesterday, which is the first day for about a week, and I've gone back today. At about 2pm today I nearly rang work and gave the job up.

Money's totally short and at 42, I should be a lot better off than what I am now. Still fighting my way forward, but at the moment, life stinks.

Until tomorrow
Paul

Friday 23 March - Turning the pages onto mum's birthday

Hello Mum! Happy Birthday - suprise! I can't get down to give you your flowers so I thought I'd send you an open letter instead.

As I changed the logs over at work last night, and wrote today's date on the new ones, I realised that todays your birthday. Your 76th Birthday no less.

Your birthday today is really significant for me you see, because this is your first birthday since we found out late last year that you'd died in September, 2003.

Walsall Social Services didn't see fit to tell me you see, and whereas I'd normally send you a good wish thought to wherever you were, I can't do it this year, because you're not here.

Wasn't that last argument of yours a bit silly now when you look back? Do you remember? It was when I brought my new wife and your brand new grand daughter to see you at the residential home you were in at the time. You ignored them both, upsetting both of them, making them both cry, because, I think, anyway, we couldn't have you come and live with us. Remember mum? Thats the last time I saw you.

That new grand daughter who you met then is 15 this year, and she's turned into a beautiful, articulate & intelligent young lady. Oh Mum, you've missed so much, especially with the other 3 kids turning into responsible adults as well. All through that stupid attitude of yours.

The one that cost us as a family so much over the years. Oh, don't get me wrong mum, I know we had good times as well, but the bad times, well, the bad times were really bad weren't they?

Do you rember my first really bad case of gastro enteritus? I can't remember the exact date, but I do remember that it started the day my middle sister-your second daughter- didn't come home because Social Services had taken her into care after she went to school with THAT suicide note. You spoilt your second daughter rotten over the rest of us. Well, that spoilt daughter ended up in a residential mental home last thing I heard, so spoiling her didn't do her much good did it mum? Especially as she was only in her 20s when it happened.

Then, there's the time you'd had that argument with dad and locked me out, and wouldn't let me in the house for a couple of hours in the middle of winter when I was 12.

And do you remember the neighbours in Booth Street calling the Police out to you because they though you'd gone over the top with the way you punished me and my oldest sister in the street when we went riding on the bike without getting your permission first. How old was I then mum? Eight, nine, maybe ten even.

And do you know, I haven't seen my oldest Sister since she was taken into care at 14? She'll be 41 soon.

And why didn't you tell me about that early morning knock on the door from the Police and Social Services just after I'd left home? Why did I only find out a couple of years ago that you'd been arrested and taken down to the Police station to give Social Services the chance to take my baby sister into care as well when she was 12? How did you cope with going back to that empty house after?

Although I'll never forget mum, I am learning to understand as I get older. You see, mum, the things that went on in your head, you've passed some of them onto me. I'm on day 4 of a really black, dark mood, the same as you used to have for weeks on end.

I remember when you didn't go out of the house for 5 years. Not once. Well mum, I feel that way too, but I've got to go out, because we need money, and as the man of the house, it's my job to get it.

And I get your migraines too.

But mum, I never behave the way you did. I just don't feel the need to, see. I treat my family as a blessing, not like the inconvenience you treated us as (well except Daughter 2 anyway).

So, mum, my Birthday presnt to you this year, is one I can give you for the first time in years. Its understanding mum. I understand. I will bring you your flowers a bit later on, but I just haven't got the time at the moment to make the 350 mile round trip to visit your grave.

And me and my baby sister are taking action against Walsall Social services. Did you know, they've lost all our records? My baby sister has got a letter of apology from them, and me, well, they don't even bother answering my letters. They still haven't told me you've died yet.

Anyway mum, I've got to go. This is my last letter to you. A little bit of closure for me. Turning those logs over to todays date was the most distressing thing I've done in years. I just wish I wasn't at work when I did it. Still it's over now. This is my first day of grieving for you. that's why this 42 year old man's crying like a baby.

Now that you've passed onto the other side, I hope God has repaired the damage he let you be born with. And if you are visiting all your children on your birthday, please make sure you come into my house at 5pm today when we're all together, because then you'll see a brilliant, close family, just like what your family should have been like.

Bye mum, see you soon.
Your loving son Paul.
xx
ps, love to dad

Thursday 22nd March - Law Of Attraction Part 2

Its well known at work that I'm the original unlucky guy with the colleagues I work with. As I'm interested in psychology and the rest of it, I'm beginning to wonder if I do attract all the bad luck to me myself.

I spent 90 plus hours last week when I was off from work uploading my new retail site - when I went to check a couple of page names yesterday afternoon to make the links for the main home page I couldn't connect up to the site.

Every single page had just disappeared. On trying to coonect to the start page all I got was a page saying CPanel installed!

Almost 2,000 pages gone. Overnight.

I found this out at work on nightshift, so I couldn't do anything then. I don't like using the works computer for my own stuff because of keyloggers. Basically, for those that don't know, a keylogger is a software program installed by most companies (who are responsible for monitoring what staff do on computers by law). These programs record every thing you type on the computer and email it to the system administrator. Just imagine, some unknown person where you work knows exactly what you do, what time you do it, and how long you spend doing it. I know this through my PC Technician coursework, and so, I'm really dubious about using works computers.

This triggered a massive black mood which lasted through my nightshift and as I drove home after finishing, i was ready to pack everything in. Total.

As soon as I got back in, I went to email the person who looks after my server, but before I did, I checked the web site again. And it had returned. This is called Propogation, and basically, once a back up is run on a website, the site closes down and it has to re-propogate. because my site is so big, this takes hours.

Lesson learned. I've stopped the automatic back ups!

I'm still reading through this Law of attraction book I've got. And a chapter I read last night suggests that whatever I focus on, good or bad, attracts the same . What you think about, you bring about. What you think, how you feel, what you say, lines up with a matching experience in life.

So, I've followed one of the suggestions, and made me "Negative, Low Energy Blocker" (NLEB) which I'm to carry about with me, and the theory is that whenever something goes wrong, I hold this NLEB and turn the bad luck around by concentrating on what I want, not what's happening. The law of attraction then kicks in.

Standby for updates...........
Paul

This post is a mirror post of: http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45/

Message for Christoph

Thanks for reading! this blog is a back up to my main blog here:

http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45/

I'm sure you'll find the answers to all your questions here! Come and join us! Its free (of Course). If you have any more questions just reply to this post and I'll get back to you.

Paul

Wednesday 21st March - This will not be a political Blog!

Hmmm....seems I've ruffled a few feathers with my posting yesterday. I didn't intend to do this, nor do I intend this blog to turn political. That's not what its about.

So, you're right eddy2sox, this blog will always be about the real stuff - what goes on in my life.
Like most people, I have strong beliefs in certain things, and as this blog is about my life, it's obvious that everything interacts with it. Including politics. As it interacts with my life, it interacts here in this blog.That's the whole point of keeping a blog - my online diary - online.

Budget day affects us all, and yesterdays posting was a reflection about what I'm thinking about at the time. Could just have easily been family, or the weather, my job, or whatever.

It was just a one off comment about something that's happening now and which is very real. It doesn't - and won't- mean the blogs changing it's format because it's not.

But I'd like to pull you up on one thing if I can Simon; everyone's opinions should be welcomed here providing they're legal, decent, honest and moral. And that includes the political ones too.

The more the merrier - it'll build this blog up into a worthwhile community and attract more traffic and eventually build significance up for all IMM Bloggers. No one's forced to read blogs they dont agree with or aren't interested in.

Okay, that's it. Just got back in after a freezing cold nightshift, it's now 8.30, and bedtime.

Paul

Budget Day Reminder

With just hours to go now almost, here's just a few reasons why its not going to get better whilst Labour, and Gordon Brown are in charge. The way forward is to bring Margaret thatcher back out of retirement
1. Gordon Brown has lifted the tax threshold to breaking point.
2. The International monetary fund have "advised" him to cut spending.
3. To finance his spending sprees on the Labour reknown Tax & Spend policy, he has raised the tax level to the highest in Twenty Years.
4. Interest rates have risen to a nominal 5.5%, at the same time, house prices are falling sharply

So, thank you, Mr Brown, for forcing me to contribute to Labours wasteful spending policies with the highest tax I have ever paid.

I see industrial decline, falling educational standards, Feral youths, a breakdown in Law and Order, the Stupid human Rights Act which protects Criminals over and above the innocent. I see Britains workers being priced out of the Labour market through Labours tax and spend policies.

We sent millions of men to their deaths fighting against a common state of Europe controlled by one central bank in 1940-1945, and now Labour tax us, extortionately, to pay for the "Priviledge" of belonging to the European Union, controlled by a bank and several left wing lunatics in Strassbourg who directly control our policies here.

I want to buy in pounds and ozs Labour, I want to keep our Pounds and Pence. I want Britain to stay British.

And I certainly don't want to pay you, through taxes, for giving away my heritage to faceless politicians in Europe.

Just a few reminders for you, Mr Brown, when you give us the budget this week.

Paul

Let the (nightshift) heartaches begin

Well, I enjoyed the lie in until 7.30 this morning after getting up at 5am for the last two days! Only disadvantage to this is that I'm starting nights tonight again

Mothers Day went so fast and the dishwasher this morning coped admirably with the two loads of dishes from yesterday. As I said yesterday, the first time the family was altogether since Christmas eve.

My wife was supposed to have had her reading today with KLFM's physic, Emma Schofield, but we experienced confusion at 4pm. I was expecting Emma to ring us, but as it turns out, we're supposed to ring her.

My wifes reading has now been rescheduled for 4pm, Friday 30th of this month. A very late Valentines Day present!

I've spent most of the day tidying up my new web site and uploading a few more sales pages I'd forgotten I'd done - so much for having to use 2 computers on the same job. It's all done now though, and I'm doing the index pages and it will be fully operational over the next two days, depending on how busy tonights shift is. Hopefully, I'll be left alone for a while!

This is a special tribute to my friend and work colleague Andrew, who, having realised my predicament this month, dropped in to see me at work yesterday on his day off to lend me some money.

Hows that for a friend? Desperation turned into (temporary) salvation.

This month goes to prove one thing though - I can't afford to have holidays from work because I lose too much money. I'm, once again, rejuggling my household accounts. I almost gave my job up on Sunday until andrew came and saw me - I'd seen this part time job on job Center Plus on Friday working Fri-Sat-Sun days. I was going to apply for this, and just go part time where I am now working Mon-Tues-Weds days, finishing at 3pm, and just having Thursdays as a day off.
This would give me an extra £130 per month before tax. Finishing at 3pm means I'll be home in time to work on the business for two or 3 hours every Mon-Tues-Weds day.

But I've changed my mind, because, staying where I am, I can earn more with overtime, or by working for an agency on my days off. I just can't afford to take holidays. Not yet, anyway.

Until tomorrow,
Paul

Sunday 18th March - Mothers Day

Thought I'd get an early post in today (or is it a late one from yesterday?) Nothing to report really, a routine weekend.

Worked yesterday day shift, starting at 7, got back in at 4.30pm, did a little bit of work on the web site in between waching a few TV programmes (No SKY - remember?).

The wife is still disappointed to lose the sky because, as she says, I'm never here enough for it to affect me. Now she has a choice of 5 main channels, instead of the hundred or so she had 3 days ago.

Talikng of Sky, had a couple of bills come in yesterday, as well as the notice of interest rise on the mortgage, which in our case, is now 8.03% as I can't get a "status" mortgage.

I'm still managing to deal with the post the day it arrives (that is a major development for me) although, fair tyo say, I'm only collecting & filing bits of paper at the moment.

Yesterdays delights were a sky final demand for £74.00 and the Council Tax of £899.78. Marvellous. My monthly outgoings have just gone up by £90.00!

Onto better things. Todays Mothers Day and we'll have all the kids around today for dinner, which is the first time we've all been together since Christmas Eve. That's something to look forward to and I'm sure it will break the monotany (spelling?) here for a day anyway.

I've nothing to give my wife today. Except a promise that somehow, I'll turn this crappy situation we're in around and make it better for her.

Okay, its 5.35am, and time for a final cup of tea and I'm off to work.

Until tomorrow
Paul

Friday 16th March - Time Off Ends

And so endeth a week of freedom, therefore starting another week of captivity. Back to "work" tomorrow. Just a few highlights from my final day of freedom this time round

Firstly my daughter, The Teenage One, has successfully picked up a bug from her school and brought it home with her. So she had the day off.

The web site is uploaded. Hooray. I've been working on this for well over 12 months now, and I've loaded the final sales page on line about an hour and half ago. The site is still not perfect, still got a few lines and pages to fill up, but it's done. All I've got to do now is one big index page (the home page) and about 7 small index headers and its finished.

Mionday I'll be installing the search engine I brought at the end of last month and letting it "crawl" the site to build up its contents file. I'll start advertising the site as soon as the Data protection (yawn) licence comes through and register it with the tax office Monday. Done. Sorted.

Was supposed to have rang Barclays this morning to cancel another Direct Debit due out today, but couldn't face another Home and Contents Insurance conversation with someone in India. So, I've just let the Direct Debit bounce. That's costing me £15, but even that's better than going through the Indian call centre, for me anyway. Must change my bank account this month.

The phone has been going crazy all day and it's really peed me off. I won't answer unknown numbers. (Due to my complex with the phone, I've paid for caller display and I've got a scanner installed on the line. I know I'm extreme, but, that's me, I just hate the telephone. Full Stop). So having said that, you can guess the numbers were all "Unknown", "International", or worse still, those sales centres on 0800 numbers.

Number of calls not answered - I guess, 7 or 8. Times the phone was almost thrown through the window after distracting me from my web site work: exact match!

And the finale: spoke to the mortgage company, who rang me by suprise. Spoke to a nice, understanding lady called Wendy, they've agreed to accept arrears payments of £143 something monthly until they're cleared off. Sorted, although that now makes the normal mortgage payment £865 from 15th April. I pay more on a mortgage every month than some people earn!

Oh, and they told me the mortgage is going up next month as well, so I think everyone else has also got the last interest increase coming through over the next few weeks.

Just timed it right with the Council tax coming out. Aren't I lucky?

Until tomorrow
Paul

Thursday 15th March - 1am and all is well

Well, almost anyway! Still working on uploading the new web site, and have been since 10am this morning (yesterday, to be grammatically correct)

And its a case of sloooooooow progress. Takes ages to upload some web pages, especially those with lots of photos on, but I'm getting there. Just thought I'd quickly throw a blog post in for the day and get some sleep.

Nothing else to tell really. Two new sales from the marketing business, but didn't get around to advertising properly like I was hoping to, so, hopefully, I'll do that tomorrow, or later today (1am now), even if it means physically stopping the uploading for a couple of hours.

Todays my last day of my ideal life, because in 30 hours, I'm back at work, starting the day shift at 7am Saturday morning. Then a short day on Sunday, and then back to nights on Monday to Friday.

Really really hoping to have the web site up and running for Monday. After that, it's just a case of uploading new sales pages as I come across new wholesalers and things like that. Weekly maintenance, instead of the 18-19 hour days I'm spending on it at the moment.

I'm really looking forward to my next days off because I'll be free from all this web site stuff. Do gardening, washing the car, but, most importantly, being INVOLVED with the family, instead of just being here ("up the corner on his computer again"). It'll be good to be human again.

Then, I'll start to look for more part time work on my days off to bring some more cash into the house.

Just the two upsets today; firstly, I had another one of the Vultures letters come through, again demanding money, and secondly, SKY cut us off because we haven't paid the bill. Tough, they'll just have to wait a bit.

Until tomorrow
Paul

Wednesday 14th March - One More Day Gone

I've managed to stay in today! Hooray! The first day I've not had to go out since I finished my last nightshift last Saturday morning.

And there's nothing to report from today really,been on the computer all day again and I'm toying around with the idea of going to bed now. The cat decided it was hungry again at 7.30am, and woke me up to tell me. Ever been clawed and "padded" by a cat when you're asleep? Not good!

Thanks millions for the messages I got back yesterday guys - the feeling I'm not alone in this MESS is truely gratifying.

Web site uploading's now started to come on nicely, I've just uploaded the 58th section so I'm roughly half way through what I want to do.

Had a reply from Education Blog Yesterday on one of my earlier blogs in which I said that I hope all these problems would soon come to an end and I'd be normal. EB said that I should wash my mouth out with soap because I shouldn't be aiming to be normal as it's it's so boring, dull, mindnumbing etc.

Well, food for thought! I'd never thought of it like that. All I want to do is just pay the bills on time without worrying, but I didn't see that as boring, well, not really anyway. Routine perhaps, but I certainly don't aim to be boring.

When that day comes and I die, I want my last thoughts on looking back at my life to be saying "I'm glad I did", not "I wish I had" . I know I fly through life by the seat of my pants sometimes, but I don't like it this way, and in any case, my stomach, head and other body problems tell me it's not good to live life with every day a daily struggle. Need a comfortable routine.

Or is it that the Daily Struggle keeps life "Interesting?". I don't know, but I DO know I'm getting fed up of the struggle.

Education Blog - thanks for raising the other side of the equation. I must admit I hadn't thought of it like that. BUT the burning desire to provide for myself and my family comfortably is my Ultimate Goal.

Okay, signing off again now. Hoping to do so serious advertising tomorrow for my marketing business. I've had no sales at all now for about a week. Oh, and before I forget again, my son's friends did come through for us in the end, and the roof was repaired on Saturday. One problem down, thousands to go........

Bernie, the bolt please........! Aim & Fire!

Until tomorrow
Paul

Tuesday 13th March - Wolves Are At The door

Me again gang. Nothing to report from today really, haven't done much with the business at all today, my wife had the day off so I've spent most of the day decorating

Or, more correctly, putting up coving to finish the front room off, and more importantly than that, getting it to stay up!

I didn't think this simple job could be so difficult. And why aren't my walls level with each other at the top? The coving doesn't half bow in parts.

I did have to go out today after all, and that, along with one of the Vultures ringing up demanding money within the next 5 days otherwise our account will go into default as it will be 2 months payments outstanding, spoilt the day.

Problem is, this is a secured loan, and I just don't like the idea of it going into default as it could put the house at risk. Massive pain in the a*se.

Trying to convince my wife at the moment that we don't need Sky. Really feel bad about this, as I know she likes to watch certain channels when she's on her own as I'm working nightshifts. Just doesn't seem fair.

Watched a programme called Beat the Baliffs on BBC1 this morning. Here's me, struggling to pay normal household bills, and then there's this other couple this morning, in debt up to the eyeballs through credit cards, luxury things like computers, electronics, they had all the mod cons, and a £2000 Go Kart in the kitchen. They reckon they're £28,000 in debt through reckless spending, including 2 holidays abroad every year.

And I can't pay for heating oil unless I take it from the mortgage. And the water bill came through today, that's another £190 to find from somewhere.

I've got to break this situation, somehow. Break it's back and meet all the bills for just one month as a start.

So, I'm hoping to have the web site on line by the end of this week as I said yesterday. I'm going to have next weekend off, then, a week on Mopnday, I'm going to register with an agency or something to get a part time job somewhere.

That will mean a full time job, a business, and a part time job somewhere. It's got to be done.
Okay, that's it. bedtime. Bloody cat woke me up this morning at 5.30! it's been a long day.

Until tomorrow,
Paul

Monday 12th March - New Payday, New Debt

I haven't got around to changing my bank account yet (its called Time) and I thought I'd be clever today and beat THAT Barclays Indian call scandal

So I waited until 10.30 before ringing the 0845 number we have to ring.Thought we'd get the Monday morning rush out of the way, and I'd be able to talk to someone in Merseyside or Glasgow.

No prizes then, for guessing that I was connected straight to the call centre in India again. Cancelled the direct debit I needed, which took all of 90 seconds, then we started the Home and Contents conversation,AGAIN, which I reckon lasted about 4 minutes.

Marvellous. Barclays.you need lessons in customer care. Same as Prudential, reading todays EDP. The man from the Pru will never be the same in my minds eye again. Thats another company on my banned list then. If these companies cannot invest in Britain, and it's workers they try so hard to take their money from, I don't consider them fit to be here. Isn't it funny, how the sales centres are always in Britain, and you talk to English call centres, then when you sign the dotted line, everything's done through India?

Not in my world it isn't.

Onto somewhat better things. The mortgage company don't half give me a rollicking when I miss a payment, so I hate ringing them to pay by debit card. I can only have a basic bank account as a result of a previous bankruptcy from a failed business (now that IS a long story, full of heartache, so we'll move on again quickly), so I had a flash of inspiration on the way Barclays at Fakenham.

I got a bankers draft and paid the monthly payment of £693.37 wit that. No arrears payment this month. We'll post it off to them in the morning. Ha! Sorted.

Disadvantage- It cost me £10 to do it, and I had to go out on my day off AGAIN to sort this, but at least I don't have to talk to them. I really don't know whats worse sometimes- going out or using the telephone.

I hate both with a passion. Same as the post really. All forms of communication that instantly affect me in one way or another. Hate the lot. At least I'm anomynous (can never spell that word!) here.

Only here, can I talk and tell people things I can't talk about at home. That's why the therapists say this blogging - or journalising as they call it- is good for the soul.

Best thing about today? I've sorted the web site out and I've actually started uploading it onto my server. at last. Hurray!

Should have this finished by Friday. But I won't count my chickens before they hatch. I don't have to go out tomorrow, I think, I hope, so I can stay in MY world for a day.

I know I'm sad, but I just don't want to be "in" with the outside world.

Until tomorrow
Paul

At last I'm back in

I've had severe problems logging into blogger.com sinceI was upgraded with a google account. this is the first time in a month I've been able to log in. Hopefully, back to normal now!

Saturday 10th February - Major new advertising campaign & 2 New Sales

Finished the night shift at 7am, in bed after getting home and checking emails at 8.30, up at 12 dinnertime (or Lunchtime as you say here in Norfolk) and got started

I'm joining loads of new lists, or creating new additional memberships in them. A total of 600 new accounts - that gives me a total of 1,200 email confirmation links to click on to verify my email addresses are valid.

This takes hours to do! But it will be worth it - I'll be able to advertise to another one and half million people when its finished. Just have to hope that some of these new prospects actually read their emails and not just delete them!

As you can see from the heading on this blog, I've had 2 new sales overnight. A brilliant feeling when the business works like this. Only a few quid each admittedly, but, in the words of Tessa Cohen (Tesco - yes, that's where the name comes from - ) Every Little helps.

As well as working on the retail site getting that ready for uploading as soon as I can, I'm hitting the other side of the business as hard as I can. My number one target is to get the business books balnced to relieve pressure on my wages every month.

See, when the St Johns Wort kicks in and works ok, I'm OK. Just get energy from somewhere. It's not pschcological either - I genuinely feel OK, and have done so for the last 2 days or so. I just hope I'm not tempting fate here - The only major downside to the St Johns Wort is that it makes me so tired , which is really bad as I work nightshifts!

But the tiredness could also be a result of the long hours in front of the computer, and the fact that I only get between 4-5 hours sleep a day, and for you day workers out there, thats the same as you getting up at 3am every day if you go to bed at 11!

What time did you get up today? And you've had how many hours sleep?
Until tomorrow,
Paul
"Eliminating Failure as an option"

Saturday 3rd February - 1 new sale & the car makes it!

Well, as the heading says, the car made it to and from work today, and I'm grateful. At several times on the journeys, I had serious doubts. And the sound effects when turning right are totally unreal!

Still got to use it again tomorrow though until we can find some petrol money from somewhere for the wife's car.

Another bit of good news today - the advertising I did yesterday has brought in another new customer today. Gradually, bit by bit, I'm breaking this thing's back and building up my monthly income again.

Talking about income, I've earned £1,823.41 in January between the business and my job. But, if I am to earn £50,000 this year to give me the gross amount I need to pay my bills, I should have earned £4,246.69 in January.

That makes me £2,423.28 short, just in January alone. So, basically, I need to earn another £78.17 per day, every day in January, just to have brought me up to target.

Now, I've just got to work out how to make up the difference somehow. Only by earning the £50,000 can I pay all my bills, on time, as they fall due. That doesn't include pensions or life insurance - just the basics only. And, I'm trying to treat this as an opportunity somehow, just like the experts tell me to.

That's why this business must take off. Urgently.

Until tomorrow

Paul

"Eliminating failure as an option"

Friday 2nd February - money's all gone

I didn't want January to prove itself as a bad month - I already knew it was. And now, in it's final act of revenge, January has left me with no money, and it's a week until I get paid next.

My final rest day has flown by, and I'm now preparing myself for work again. I was woken up by the cat yowling just after Midnight so I was up for an hour then. Then when I woke up this morning at 8am, I woke in one of the blackest moods possible as I know I'm at work tomorrow.

This is normal for me, I just hate the thought of going to work, and my last day off is always full of black moods and absolute dread.

It's not the job that does this to me - although I don't particularily like my job, and I've had worse, it's just as if I go into mental closedown the day before I have to go out to work.

Talking of going out, I haven't been outside the front door since I got back on my first day off last Saturday. Not once. On that count, at least, I've been lucky.

The day got progressively worse as I realised the money problem. My wifes car is out of petrol, so I'm having to use mine for another week as I put petrol in it last weekend just before the fault got really bad and I had to take it off the road. So, I'm using a car in danger of breaking down because we have no money for petrol for the other one.

I have no money for cigarettes, newspapers or anything else for work this week.

And the uncertainty of the car breaking down multiplies my feeling of dread 100 times. It's bad enough been forced to go out again, let alone with no money, no petrol, and a car breakdown.

My proper St Johns Wort tablets came today, so that's one positive thing about today. Trouble is though, that they take 2-3 days to soak into my system and start to work.

All I've done today is work on the retail web site, and a little bit of advertising this afternoon. No sales though. Paypal and Bank Account empty. I've still got a thousand and one things to do, and now I've wasted this week decorating, there's no time left.

What a life

"Eliminating failure as an option"

Paul

Thursday 1st February - Finished decorating.

The incredible pain in my stomach/windpipe woke me up this morning at 1am and I had to get up for an hour to wait for the pain to subside. I've got my tablets - at 11am - and took one straight away, followed by another one at 5pm.

The pains been made worse by the fact that I've been stretching up putting ceiling tiles up - and as I stretch, the scarring in my windpipe is pulled about something chronic. The pain this gives me is totally different from the acid burning/red raw pain I normally get. Most forms of physical exercise give me an extremely sore chest - I can't describe the type of pain, it's almost like the scar has swelled up inside my windpipe and it can be extremely uncomfortable. Walking in cold weather gives me the same symptons as well.

At last I've finished the planned decorating - the ceiling tiles we brought from Focus are extremely fiddly to put up - or stay put up anyway (I've only had 2 come back down). The problem is that we brought 100 of these tiles, thinki9ng they would be enough to do the front room, but it turns out we were short in our guesswork - we need about another 200 to finish the job off.

You can tell I've been neglecting the business this week - I've just lost a regular subscriber.

Okay, now the decorating's finished I can get on. Problem is that I have no time. Tomorrow, somehow, I want to do a days work on the business, it's new web site, I've got to sort the car out as well as it's now off the road, I'm aiming on doing the revised budget and seeing how much short I was in January - and I know january was a really bad month - I've got letters that must be written to correct the non - payments in January - amongst other things.

Not that there's any pressure. Oh, and did I mention I'm back at work at 7am Saturday?

"Eliminating failure as an option"

Paul

Wednesday 31st January - 1 new sale

Still off work, still decorating, still trying to catch up. No advertising today, but got the one subscription fee from one of my regular customers.

Stomach starting to give me serious grief now - roll on tomorrow when I can get my tablets. I'll try not to run out in future.

Body's still trying to adjust itself - and my mental state - from working nights to being a normal human being on days again. I still get desperately tired at all times of the day & I can't work out why.

Other than that, nothing to report really.

"Eliminating failure as an option"

Until tomorrow,

Paul

Tuesday January 30th

Well, here we are, the first month of the year is almost over already. Plans and resolutions blown out of the water.
Still off work and decorating - and believe it or not, I'm even behind schedule here as well. I was aiming on finishing this section of the decorating by the end of Wednesday, and spending Thursday & Friday on the business - well, I reckon now I'm going to have to spend Thursday decorating as well, and if I finish the painting & putting up the ceiling tiles then, that will give me just Friday free on the business.
My stomach ulcer has started to play up today - the windpipe feels as though it's red raw inside again. Run out of stomach tablets, can't get any more now until Thursday
No new sales, no advertising today.

"Eliminating Failure as an option"

Until Tomorrow,
Paul

Monday 29th January - Time flies so fast

I can't believe just how fast time goes. After finishing the last nightshift at 7am Saturday morning, I got home at 8am,went to bed at about 9 and got up at 12.30, so looking forward to going back to bed at night.

The problem is though that the first day after finishing a set of nights is always wasted as I have to readjust back to day living. So Saturdays totally wasted.

Sunday I didn't do anything except help my friend from work sort out our kitchen and shower. So hard transferring wire from the meter up into the loft, across the loft and back down into the kitchen area.

Glass Fibre everywhere from the loft insulation, and aches and pains from bending down into seriously small gaps under the lowest point of the roof eaves, having to lie totally flat on my stomach! We finished this work off at about 6pm, after starting at 10.30am, so it was a long, hard day for both of us.

Then Monday, I've started decorating the bathroom and lounge, hoping to get most of it finished by Wednesday (this bit of decorating anyway - can't afford to do it all at once). Thursday & Friday I'll concentrate on the business.

Its nice having a few days off from both work and the business - but the reminder letters keep coming through the letterbox reminding me that I should still be working to pay these bills.

And for these 5 days, I don't care. I need to rest from nights and get other bits of my life sorted out.

I'm doing my revised accounts during a few quiet hours on Saturday. The retail business should be up and running on my American servers within a week - and then I've just got to upload all the sales pages, so that transfer is seriously under way.

And I've re-ordered my St Johns Wort (the proper ones, not the Tesco ones) to help keep these dark moods at bay. As much as possible, anyway.

"Removing Failure as an option"

Until tomorrow,

Paul

Thursday 25 January - The Law Of Attraction

I've been reading up on some self development issues lately and one report I read stated that this unwritten law, the Law of Attraction, means that you attract into your life what you think about most of the time

Hello? Now, I'm not sure about this. Sure, I think about money (poverty/vultures) most of the time because I'm always firefighting them all the time.
It got me thinking though. So, just to clear up the atmosphere, as it were, the only reason I concentrate on money issues is that I know what I need to earn to live comfortably, that is, to be able to pay all the bills when they fall due.

The only way I can do this is by putting monthly amounts away every payday so that, when the bills arrive, the money is already there, or at least, will be within the next month.
And the problems caused because my expenses are going to be about £36,000 this year. I earn an average £20,000. That's my whole problem

But life also constantly throws new problems at me - as this blog has perhaps demonstrated the short time it's been on air. Although I'm grateful for every day I'm alive, and for the health of myself and my family, is there really anyone else who has such long runs of bad luck?
And how do others manage to live on a wage? I have no credit cards, bank loans or overdrafts to repay, so in theory, I'm a lot better off because I don't have these to pay every month?
Or is the problem caused simply because I don't have these accounts?

And todays problem is........ I've had to take my car off the road this morning because that noise and vibration problem that started last week is now there All the time.

It sounds (and feels) like an expensive problem, as car faults normally are. I can't do anything about this until I'm off at the weekend, so I'll have to use the wifes car for a couple of days. This has, straight away, blown next months budget straight through the window.

I wouldn't mind, but I'd just put another weeks petrol in last night on the way to work.
The Law of attraction..........I don't think so somehow.
Until tomorrow
Paul

Wednesday 24th January - 2 sales today

Well, this is more like it! checked my emails after coming home this morning and got two new sales, one of which is a one off new customer with a one time only order, and the other is one of my regular subscribers.

Having woken up tired again at 2.00pm last nights shift was a long, drawn out one again. I'm starting to hit the tiredness stage again, which is a pain. The temperature outside going down to minus 2, with a wind chill factor of -3 at some stages made sure it was a cold one as well.

Other than that, nothing to report really. Had another debt letter come through the post, done no adveritsing, aiming to do this using the submitter Thursday, friday and Saturday. Thinking of joining some more safelist groups, but I have to do these manually because they charge me a rental fee to access the using the submitter software.

I'm aiming on rewriting my goal list out this weekend and readjusting the accounts forJanuary, carrying the accounts I haven't paid forward to next month, and finding out how much my debt has increased again. Good job I don't use credit cards isn't it?

Until tomorrow

Paul

Tuesday 23 January - The snow arrives

And it did, at 1.50 am on the night shift in Kings Lynn to be precise. Fortunately nothing too dramatic, nothing too bad, and it didn't stick for long.

But it was cold. And I don't know what it is, but the cold seems to make my stomach stricture swell up and it gets uncomfortable. The swelling was still up when I went to bed.

No advertising done today, no sales either. Where does time go? I'm writing this at 5.45 pm and I'm just getting ready to leave for tonights shift. Woke up tired, so I guess this next nightshift is going to be a long one.

Phoned the bank today and cancelled my direct debit for Telecom, paid the months installment on the electric bill instead and put the rest to petrol. We've just got a quarterly account with Eastern Energy and we were supposed to be paying £10 weekly - but we had a letter come yesterday saying, yes, that plans fine, but we have to pay the first month in full first. So that's the rest of this month's budget ruined then.

Still trying to juggle finances the best way I can. The vultures letters come through the door daily.

Roll on the time the business takes off and I don't have to struggle for cash so much. Fed up of struggling all the time.

Until tomorrow

Paul

Monday 22 January - Back on nights

Well, this shows why my body clock is totally shot through - Finished a nightshift at 7am Saturday, changed from nights to days and went back to work 7am Sunday, and now I'm back on nights tonight starting at 7pm.

Spent the day on my retail web site rather than the business site, as I was planning to do yesterday, as I see things happening quicker, and more doors opening, with the retail site on line, so I did another few pages of this during the day.

Yesterdays shift was quite good - I managed to get 6 hours total isolation which helps put my brain in order for a while.

Other than that, did no advertising today, I don't know what todays web page count is because I haven't checked the counter, and there's no sales today either. But, with an extra 9 hours to myself today everything was pressure free - and , at the moment, that's what I need.

Until tomorrow

Paul

Sunday 21 January - A normal day

Did a few hours overtime today, every little helps. Got back home at about 1.30pm, sent some ads out using the submitter, then finished putting the fence panels back up that I started yesterday.

Feel better today thanks to the double dose of sleep yesterday, even though I had to get up at 5am this morning. Back on nights tomorrow on my normal shift. Looking forward to 7am Saturday when my week of nights is over and I've got a few days off at home for a welcome change. Been totally on the go today since 5am. and its now almost 8pm as I write this.

Still no sales, although the web page is getting an average 15-20 hits per day according to the counter. Aiming to concentrate on the membership site tomorrow and get new affiliate pages on line.

Until tomorrow
Paul

Saturday 20th January - No time for anything

Made one new sale on the business - this is a repeat subscription fee, otherwise, 20 people have checked my website after hitting the ads with the submitter yesterday, but there's no new sales.

Haven't advertised today - no time. Try again tomorrow.

Last nights shift dragged with countless interuptions again. Hard when you just want to be on your own. Night off tonight, but I'm back at work on overtime at 7am tomorrow morning, so I'm up at 5 again.

Bodyclock, obviously, totally shot through.

Spent the afternoon after getting up after 4 hours sleep sorting out the fence that was blown down on Thursday, geting the posts up, re-cementing, replacing again. Still not finished - I'm aiming to finish off tomorrow after coming home from work, after I've sent more ads out using the submitter.

I've had the day off from the computer apart from checking emails and the blogs and - I've started to transfer my retail web site over to my American servers to save some money.

Shortfall total to date on the £50,000 target earnings: £1,471.69

Until tomorrow

Paul

Friday 19th January - Its back again

The speed it crept up on me has surprised me. I left the house to drive to work for nightshift with an overwhelming sense of tiredness but the over riding emotion has to be the anger.Everyone around me at the moment is happy, cheerful and laughing. Why does that irritate me? Why am I angered by people talking to me when all I want is silence?

Everythings irritating me now. Too much noise, everywhere.I'm craving isolation and sleep. I need to be left alone. I drive to work in silence. Why is life controlling me so much, when it's supposed to be the other way around?

My head aches at the back with a tightness that is unreal in pain and streches from ear to ear. My mouth ulcers/blisters hurt as a result of the excess stomach acid. Tears are pricking my eyes. The level of stress is borderline fit to burst.I have a dull ache which occasionally turns to a sharp pain in my left shoulder.

I have so much to do. No time to do it. My life is full of interuptions I neither want nor need. I know I cannot be left alone, nor can I stay at home to do what I want to do. The dark black mood has set in again over the last 2 hours and I can't do anything about it at all, although I understand it's mechanics. Now I don't know how long it will last for again. Must get some more proper St John's Wort, but just cannot be bothered.

Instead, I'l just waste another 12 pointless hours of my life here at work in my pointless job. As I park my car on the car park I seriously think of just turning around again, never to come back. But the responsibility tells me I can't. Too many bills, direct debits and responsibilities.

I put a polo in my mouth to help get rid of my thirst and help keep the stomach acid down, take a deep breath, and walk into work, so angry that I am so powerless.

The one thing this horrible curse/disease has taught me is to be a dammed good liar. I pretend to be cheerful as I walk through the door.

Until next time

Paul

Friday 19th January- Direct Debited to death

The vultures have started circling again. All it seems sometimes is that I work hard every month for long hours just to give every penny away to the vultures, who seem to be always circling my life, but for 10 days or so every month, they take turns in landing at my front door.

How can I make attempts to control my bank account when I have no choice but to be direct debited to death every month? These are the people who go into my bank account- when they see fit to- and just take money. What gives these people the right to demand payment only by direct debit because no other payment process is used (Car Insurance) or because they charge me £30 monthly on top of the normal payment if I pay any other way than direct debit (the mortgage). Why do some companies insist on trying to take payments when I've cancelled the Direct Debit anyway?

The letters are coming in now from the accounts I couldn't pay this month. As expected. The bank must love me at the this time of the month!

My one Big Thing this year has to be hit the £50,000 mark to cover all the bills and make sure I pick up the nett amount of cash I need. The only problem with that though is that, so far this month, I should have earned £2465.82 - but I've only managed to earn £1164. 00. Just 19 days into the new year and I'm already £1301.82 short of the amount I need to earn just to pay the bills, after tax and the rest of it.

Like I said a couple of days ago, wages are now totally inadequate for living. With inflation now running at the highest level in 15 years, the fourth mortgage/interest rise in 7 months on it's way next month (meaning my mortgage would have gone up by £100 per month), the Council tax due in 6 weeks time - higher than last year - of course - and no pay rise for 2 years.

There's definately a recession on the way again. Helped along, no doubt by Labours spending - and it's always us who carry the can and pick up the pieces.

This business must take off. If I can help people by giving them what they want or need for a lower price then it must be good - for them, as well as me. Then, I can stop struggling to earn a living, and make some proper money instead. Then we start to live instead of survivng until the next pay day.

I've had a beautiful comment from julie this morning on one of my posts. Thanks julie, I've replied on the same post. There are some wonderful, understanding people out there. And I'm grateful.

Until tomorrow

Paul

Thursday 18th January - Wind Damage

Well, it started raining in Kings Lynn at 2.20am this morning - and yes, I did miss it - by about half an hour!

The weather forecasters were right today- the high wind woke me up at 12pm Dinnnertime after just three hours sleep as it was - literally- shaking the window frames in the bedroom. tried getting back to sleep, but the wife then woke me up because the wind had blown down three fence panels and she couldn't get them back into the garden by herself.

Really bad weather! So this is what Global Warmings about then!

Went back to bed at 2pm to get another hours sleep, making a total of 4 today (aren't I lucky?) as I've still got to do a 12 hour nightshift tonight. Tired already - and definately got the flu starting big time. Stomachs still behaving itself - good - replaced by tension headaches by the flu. Not good.

Like I said before, I just couldn't make up my life could I?

Done some advertising using my submitter, hopefully these ads will get a few people to check out - and more importantly join - my business sites.

Until tomorrow

Paul

Wednesday 17th January- One Mad Rush

Why do I put myself through this? Woke up very tired (really sore eyes) at 1.30pm because I've got millions of things to do, started working within 10 minutes of getting up. At least I've had 5 hours sleep!

Haven't done any advertising today - I'll do this Thursday, Friday & Saturday this week, see if I can pull in more sales on Saturday like I did last week. No sales today either.

The car seems to be getting worse - the noise & vibration started as soon as I started the car this morning, and lasted most of the way home. I hope it makes it through to next payday!The wife has started to get her replacement cards through from the bank today, so at least we can move on from this a little bit.

Okay, it's 4.15pm, can definately feel the stress creeping up on me again, my hearts racing and the irritibility (is that spelt right?) is unreal, got to do the tea for when everyone gets home from work, then leave the house again for another nightshift. Very bad weather forecast tonight, and as I'm outside for a couple hours as part of the nightshift, I hope I miss the rain and gales.

Nothing like getting freezing cold and soaked through when you're tired. One day I'll be able to stop working nights - it just seems a long way off at the moment.

Until tomorrow

Paul

Tuesday 16th January - 1 new customer

I'm so pleased that the business is starting to pick up now. This is an old customer who's rejoined the business support membership site.

Again, the important thing for me is try and hold on to the customers - and the one best way of doing this, I think, is to keep updating the site with new tools and so on.

Two disadvantages to this: firstly, TIME, which I'm always short of, and the money needed to keep buying the new programs.

Not a bad day all told today, no advertising, too busy, now getting ready to start another 12 hour nightshift. Still managing to do the odd occasional hour on the retail web site when it gets quiet through the night.

Had a wonderful message of support from PAWS this morning - it's nice, in one way, to get support from other people who are in the same situation. As far as I know, there are only 3 leagal ways to make money in this life of ours, and that's either inheriting money, running a business or winning the lottery.

And, on the grounds that I don't have much good luck at all these days, I've discounted the lottery option. I don't have any rich relatives, so inheritance is also out of the question. That's why I'm working so hard, and depending on, the business so much.

If your'e reading this on the itsmymarket.com blog, please be aware that there is a delay between my posting and the blogs going live as everything is moderated, especially over weekends and bank holidays. I don't want my new friends to get the impression that I'm not posting or ignoring them. Although I appreciate IMM's moderation policy,if you want to keep bang up to date, you'll have to read my mirror blog here:
http://businessman99.blogspot.com/

This blog is an exact copy of my posts here, but they go on line as soon as I've posted. I just copy and paste between the two as I'm building up support, and friendships, from both. The other blog contains earlier posts as I've been on that one since November.

Until tomorrow

Paul

Monday 15th January - It's Good News week

I hope this week gets better. Woken up pretty miserable (early) because I'm back at work tonight. Still feeling pretty groggy, and, the tiredness is unreal. So, so tired. waking up half way through the night for stomach medicine doesn't help either. My windpipes red raw inside from the acid. Strictures behaving itself though. For how long is a different matter.

Then the wife had her handbag stolen from out the car when she stopped off to go to a cash machine at 6.30 this morning. The handbag had everything in it, credit cards, driving licence, the lot. Lots of phone calls to get the cards stopped and the like. When she rang her bank, they told her that her card had been used 6 minutes after it was stolen! Well, they tried - didn't get any cash out, although the bank told her they'd tried to draw out £200 using an old pin number. Hello? £200 from our accounts? They must be dreaming!

The business is giving me grief at the moment through one customer who joined my marketing site, then cancelled his subscription after a couple of weeks, and now expects to still get access to everything. What is it with some people? Certainly can do without this type of customer, who serves only to blight my life with emails.

The cars still playing up too, although I've worked out (coming home yesterday) that the noise only happens when turning right, especially after braking a bit hard - think - going around roundabouts!

Okay, thats enough for today I think. Got to start getting ready for work, but I'll do a bit more advertising first. Here's hoping that this week really can get better!

Until tommorow

Paul

Sunday 14th January - 2 New Customers

After wasting Friday the way I did through oversleeping, I got up early Saturday in an attempt to catch up a little bit. I had lots of things outstanding from over a week ago
So, from about 1pm to 8pm, I cleared all the outstanding bits, including spending a couple of hours advertising and deleting dead lists out of the submitter, and putting 20 new ones in. The submitter now sends ads to over 1,800 groups - total list members now totals over 1 million!
Having read back through these blog posts, I realised that I haven't explained what happened in the first place to make me have to restart the business. half the story! So I've done a small report, converted it to a picture and uploaded it with this blog post for those of you interested. There's a link to one of my lists there too so you can all see what I'm talking about! The report can be downloaded from one of my web sites here as it's been converted to a passport photo here by the blog!
http://www.ezsafelists.com/BlogReport.JPG
Well, it seems peoples kind and good luck wishes are paying off! Got up at 5am this morning and went into work (overtime). On checking my emails this morning before leaving home at 6.15, I had one new customer, and after getting back home at about 2.30pm I'd got another one as well. At last. The first new customers for about 8 or 9 weeks. Just hope they stay with me now - every penny counts to the target doesn't it?
I'm so tired after changing from nights to days - and going back on nights again tomorrow, that I haven't done much else except a couple of hours advertising. Now I've broke it's back, I hope the business can carry on bringing the customers - although I've had to reduce membership prices to try and generate trade.
Until tomorrow
Paul

Sasturday 13th January - Catch Up Day

Well, after the trauma of oversleeping yesterday and blowing the whole day as a result I'm using today to catch up a little bit.
I've definately got the wifes flu, bubbling up under the surface, so I've doubled my vitamin intake, and up to yet, the tablets here are doing an admirable job. can't afford to be off work sick!
Finished nightshift this morning at 7am, got home at 8,got the daughter and one of her friends on a sleepover, and the wifes at work doing overtime.
Talking about overtime, I've worked out that to balance my books this year I've got to earn an extra £39.93 a day for the next year - 365 days- to get the income in I need. £39.93 doesn't sound a lot, if you say it quickly does it?
To start things off, I've just managed to secure 3 overtime shifts this month, which gives me an extra £240.00. Thats only another £997.83 to earn then to balance this months figures up.
I'm still juggling this months finances to even things up a bit. I've delayed paying BT until next payday, so I'm going to use that cash on the mortgage instead. I reckon I thought about the mortgage payment 10-15 times last night when I was at work. My hardest part yesterday was telling my wife I couldn't meet this months full mortgage payment.
And yesterdays mortgage increase means the monthly bill's going to increase by about £16-18 - so my figures Thursday are already out of date.
On the positive side, I'm moving my retail website domain to my American servers - I think there's enough room on them to host it-bearing in mind the retail site is about 1,000 web pages (maybe more) all designed by me, by hand, as a web designer, and his wages, are totally out of the question at the moment. Running the 3 sites together on one server is going to save me £20.00 monthly, so thats another £5 weekly I don't have to earn.
On the positive side, my stomachs behaving itself, probably because I've had two days when I haven't eaten much at all through the tirednes, oversleeping and general hassle. My black moods are only lasting an hour or so - if I keep my brain and body active it tends to stop the negative thoughts creeping in - most of the time anyway. So, being busy, I've got the excuse to stay in today.
Especially as my first overtime shift starts at 7am tomorrow. 22 hours off to change from nights to days. My body clocks going to be totally shot by the end of this month.
Until tomorrow.
Paul

Friday 12th January - One Ruined Day

Todays been a total waste of time. set the alarm for 1.30pm after working the nightshift last night, woke up when it went off, but fell back asleep and didn't get up to 4.15pm
So the days been wasted. I got so tired last night for some reason and I couldn't work out why.
Woke up today late, flustered, so much to do, and no time to do anything now at all, and in addition to that, I've woke up with a sore throat and a bit of an headache. Maybe I've caught the wifes flu!
I have done a couple of things though - I've managed to balance this months books, by only by paying half the mortgage, so now I'm £300-400 in arrears with them, which I'll catch up with over the next couple of months.
New year, new default on the credit record. Ah well, at least most other things have been paid. I can pay the mortgage, and leave everything else, or try and do half and half. as the phone bills got to be paid today as well, thats another £200 including internet.
Carly, I've answered your comments on the last post by the way. I always answer the coments, but can only do so by adding another comment under yours. So if you, or anyone else, is kind enough to leave me a comment, I'll always answer - whether good or bad. thanks for your support Carly - really appreciate it -
And todays problem is...........my car started making an horrible grinding noise on the way home this morning, I think it's something wrong with the front suspension. I drive a red Nissan Sunny, M reg, and it's the last thing I want now to have a car breakdown. Especially as I just put the weeks petrol in it first.
I just couldn't make up my life, could I?
Until tomorrow
Paul

Tuesday 10th January - Non stop all day

Well, what a day. My feet haven't touched the ground today at all. Non stop all day. Had to go out 3 times today, and it's now 5.45pm and I'm hurriedly writing this post before I leave the house AGAIN for a 12 hour nightshift in Kings Lynn.
My daughter missed the bus to the College of West Anglia this morning so I had to take her there. Can't remember what time I got back, but was only in the house for about half hour and I had to go out again. Then I had to go to the bank this afternoon to transfer cash from my wages to the business account to meet some bills.
Could have done this this morning, but I forgot to take ID with me so I couldn't transfer money out of my account over the counter, and had to come back home without going to the bank. What a prat!
I've managed to squeeze in some advertising using my safelist submitter (a piece of software that sends the same ad out to 1,700 safelist groups just by clicking send) so hopefully I'll generate a couple of enquiries today.
Used the software yesterday as well but only got 6 page views according to the web page counter, no sales at all. Wednesdays are usually quiet, but can be good on rare occasions.
So, yes, I'm stressed out again. Today has just flown by, and I have a problem if I think I haven't used the day properly. The day was spoilt anyway as soon as I woke up this morning because I realised that I'm at work tonight, and working where I work naturally puts a dampner on any day.
I've done the yearly budget as well since I last posted, and it's as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm on a basic wage of £384 weekly, making £19,968 per year, but I need £28,051.68 NETT to pay everything properly. Which means I need to earn £34,503.60 over the next 12 months, just to stay where I am. And that doesn't include life insurance or pensions either. So, I'm £14,535.60 short just to exist.
Or, £279.53 short every week. How do other people make ends meet? I'd love to know. It seems most of the time I'm the only one struggling. Not that that's the whole problem - it's just that this situation has no end in sight - and that's really bad.
Until tomorrow
Paul

Monday 9th January First sale of the year!

Payday tomorrow - and I'm peed off about it already because again, I haven't got enouggh to meet all the bills. Still haven't done this new years budget yet either, so I'm walking into the dark.

Why am I like this? Why do I put off the important things, knowing I'm constantly going to struggle? I know I'm scared - I never make enough money to meet all the bills every month, let alone saving anything. I guess I just don't want to know how far from the target I'm going to be.

The business now costs me, what, £250.00 monthly to run, and with very few customers, it's having to be paid out of my wages.

Anyway, spent most of today sorting out the retail web site - I want this on line by the end of the month if I can. Then I can move on.

Target Earnings today: £137.36
Actual Earnings: £ 0.00
Business Sales: £ 7.45
Total Shortfall: £129.91
Shortfall to Date: £512.79

Sunday 7th January - One Week On

Well, one week into my new year resolutions, the main one is to earn £50,000 this year.
I'm now on my week off from work, and at the end of my first week of the new year, I'm a total of £382.88 short of the needed weekly total to earn £50,000.

First week. £382.88 Short. Not good.

Spent most of today sorting out my retail web site. Maybe this is my way forward - when I can actually get it on line and start promoting it that is!

Target daily earnings: £137.36
Actual Earnings: £0.00
Shortfall to date: £382.88

Sat 6th January

Finished Nightshift at 7am, went to bed, got up at 1pm, finished formatting and putting my software back into the new PC hard drive, now I'm ready to go again. Hooray! Nothing else to report today. Day off from my "Proper Job"

Target Daily Earnings £137.36
Actual £0.00
Daily shortfall £137.36
Total Shortfall to date:
(50K Target) £345.52

Fri 5th January- What a day!

Finished nightshift at 7am, drove straight to my Employers office to collect my advance cheque (32 miles-ish), then droveto thecompanies bank at 9am to cash the cheque,then drove from there back to Kings Lynn, to the oil suplliers to pay for the oil delivery, then drove home, getting home at just after 11am.

Drove a total of about 120 miles to get this problem oil sorted out, immediately after a 12 hour nightshift.

Best thing about today? Meeting up with my old line manager for the first time in 2 years. the strangest thing though was walking into the building I used to work in and finding strangers doing my old job. Didn't recognise anyone there at all at first.

But, my old manager says my old job is open, and he'd take me back tomorrow to do it. We also spoke about management opportunities with the company. Flattered? Yes, I was.

But, to go back there, would mean £260 monthly petrol bill, with 3 hours travelling on top of a 12 hour nightshift. Extreme sleep deprivation as well, and having to give up the business plans.

Too many sacrifices.

Other than that, nothing to report! Oil problem sorted, and the oil was delivered before 12pm.

Total earning today: £96.00
Daily Target shortfall: £41.36
Total shortfall to date (50K Target) £208.16

Thurs 4th January - No Heating

Got home after finishing a nightshift at 8am and found we'd run out of heating oil for the boiler. No mains gas here!

Now, no oil, no heating, and no money. Cold weekend forecast.

The oil was supposed to last another two weeks or so, but I guess with Christmas, and my wife being home with the flu, meant that the heatings been on virtually 24/7 for two weeks.

Got up at 2pm and spent the next 3 hours talking to our oil suppliers and my employers to get a wages advance to pay for the oil.

Now, totally stressed out again.

No advertising, no sales today.

Total earnings today: £96.00
Shortfall on Daily Target: £41.36
Total shortfall to date on 50K target: £166.80

New Year Resolutions

Besides getting the business up and running properly again, without getting scammed this time, there's two main new year resolutions:
1. To give up smoking - I don't want to, I need to though for the following reasons: (in order of importance) Health, Finance, and the new law banning smoking in public places which comes into effect on the 1st July
2. To earn £50,000 this year. This equates to a weekly total of £961.54, a daily total of £137.36.

I'll keep the totals going through the year.

Upto, and including 3rd January, I've earned a total of £328.00
I should have earned a total of: £412.08
Total shortfall to date is: £84.08

Weds 3rd January. And todays problem is.........

Well, would you credit it - my stomach problems started to come back, maybe as a result of the stress attack yesterday?

For the first time in 18 months, food got stuck in my windpipe again after swollowing. This is what happens when you get a STRICTURE. Basically, the stomach makes an incredible amount
of acid durig a stress attack (part of the flight or flee instinctive response), and over time, this acid comes up the throat, burning the skin on it's way up. This burnt skin then scars.

Because the acid keeps coming up from the stomach, it scars the scar, so, eventually, the scar can grow out into the windpipe, blocking it. This blockage is called a stricture. This is the blockage that food gets stuck on. The rest of the incident is painful, and until the blockage clears itself - either up or down, pain ensues. Sometimes it clears in minutes, other times, it can take hours.

My St John's wort tablets have now run out, so it's back to the Tesco version for a couple of weeks or so - a mimimal amount of the plant has got to be better than none at all hasn't it?

Started to reformat my new hard drive today. No work for the business again, except that I managed to cover about 4 hours on my new web site through an hectic nightshift in which I had people coming in and out all night, and I dealt with a phonecall from the Divisional Officer of
a fire brigade at 1am this morning, helping sort out a "major incident"- his words, not mine, in which I had to locate several data sheets for some chemicals they'd found involved in the incident.

No advertising today, no sales. Total daily earnings today: £96.00
Shortfall on target: £41.36
Yearly Shortfall to date: £125.44

January 2nd- Computer Crashed!

What is with this new retail site of mine? Am I not supposed to get it on line or something?
Soooo Annoying! Computers crashed, terminally, and I've lost a load of stuff I was getting ready to upload to the new website.

If everything happens for a reason,like they say, then I'm starting to have severe doubts. I won't be able to sort it out properly until the weekend either when my night shifts finish.Thank God I've backed most of my stuff up though!

Nothing else to report-up at 2pm, no advertising, no sales, worked nightshift from 7pm to 7am.Managed to spend about 6 hours on my web site work though during the quiet periods.

Running out of St john's Wort tablets now so I'm down to one tablet daily and they still run out tomorrow.

Had a fairly major stress attack whilst at work, brought on by being so busy before I left for work. Started properly at about 7.30pm and lasted through to about 1.30am. Heart Racing, stomach pains,panicky, headache, all for no apparent reason other than I was so busy before I went to work.

Or is it because just the one St John's Wort tablets not enough to work properly?

Jan 1st - Kitchen Refit Finished

These men have worked hard for the last 3 days- and the kitchen's now finished. Dust everywhere, everything's covered in inches of fine dust.

Sonia, my wife, is ill with Flu, which she's caught after Brian, our son, brought it home with him just before Christmas. I'm doubling up on my Vitamin C intake - I just can't afford to be ill at the moment, and I don't want to work nightshifts with the flu.

Sonias birthday today. Can't afford to buy her a present again. As normal, it's the same every year. She says it doesn't matter - but it does to me. This year has got to change.

Really busy with visitors today, firstly the builders, then one of my wifes friends from work, then the mother-in-law, with a couple of my wife's cousins. Really grateful for visitors, the house seems too quiet without any kids.

Brians in Spain visting his fried, and Kelly, our daughter has had a sleepover with friends in the nearest town, got to pick her up at 3pm.

Michelle, daughter no 2 came over to see her mum after I'd left for work so I missed her visit.

Had just 1 hour after the visitors left to get something to eat, bath and get ready to work the nightshift again.

Business: No advertising, no sales. Did 6 hours on the retail web site whilst on nightshift. Found I'd used the wrong business for Paypal buttons - got to go back over 450 ish web pages now to correct the buttons. There seems to ALWAYS be something to stop me loading this site - must be fate, I know that once a decisions been made, fate steps in on a character building exercise, testing our inner strength, making sure we're not weak and, therfore, give up.
This is my/our future. I must overcome all difficulties and not give up. I'll just keep plodding away at it, I'm still aiming to get everything on line by the end of January.

New year resolutions, household budget and business goals not done yet. Hopefully, tomorrow!

Christmas Update

Hello!
Been so long since I've last blogged. What I've decided to do now is make a daily, diary type entry, and I'm sorting the format out as we speak. I'll start this as part of my new, new year routine.
St John's Wort update: I've almost finished the first bottle of tablets now, I've now increased the dose to two tablets daily, and I've had no ill effects from doing so, except I seem to be really tired sometimes.The tablets haven't changed how I think and feel about life, but I 've only had one bad incidence of what I recognise as depression, which lasted about 7 hours and I remember this was brought on by being almost late for work because I got caught behind a doddering old fart on the way to work, driving at only 25-30 in a 60 zone, braking at every bend and being unable to overtake him. I get so angry - no one has the right to interfere with my time, least of all a pensioner who, by rights (and capabilities) should not have been driving anyway.
Business Update: I've been advertising fairly regular, but nothing committed yet, can't seem to get into my old routine somehow. Two new customers, paying $5 each monthly.
Personal Update: It's Christmas Day, had a brilliant day. No business work at all today. Only two disappointments: the first, a big radio controlled car I got for my son doesn't work because of a faulty charger - we've charged it up all day and still got a flat battery. Also constipated, badly, because I'm taking St Johns Wort and haven't been taking the Vitamin C supplement to counteract the constipation effects.
Health Update: Since my last update, my stomach has started to play up again, the windpipe where it meets the stomach feels red raw and feels as though it swells up when walking in the cold air. This is feeding another pain, on my left hand side at the bottom of my ribs, feeding upto the second rib from the bottom of the rib cage, a dull ache which I can control by taking Anadin Extra. I'm still getting the occasional heart palpitation, but nothing compared to what it was doing before I started on the St Johns Wort. the palpitations come when I've just laid down in bed, within, say the first 20-30 minutes. Apart from that, All OK! But, I'm going to see the Company Doctor at work just to make sure.

Sunday 3rd December-Computer Playing Up

I set up a home network last week as we're all fighting for the internet here. My wife has a brand new PC for her bits and pieces, presently shared with my 14 year old daughter who's crazy on MSM Messenger. We have to take it in internet turns!
So, last week, I set up the network. My wifes computer is the main one, I've put the network in place for my daughters PC that she's having for Christmas (and doesn't know anything about it), and I'm running my business on the wife's old PC which is a pentium 2, 750MHz, and it's starting to hang and take absolutely ages to do anything.
I tried to save money by using the old PC, but it's not working, so I've got to get another PC.That will be the third one in as many weeks. The wifes was brand new from PC World, my daughters, (and my replacement one when I get around to ordering it) are refurbished Pentium 4 ones.
Work again today, 7am-1pm. Another 6 hours of my life wasted, 8 hours if you count in the travelling time as well. Still down, still tired, but I've got a lie in tomorrow as I'm not at work until 7pm.
No Business Sales today, a little bit of advertising done, and I'm still working my way through all those validation links for the submitter.

Saturday 2nd December

What is it with pensioners and three or four year old cars? Can there really be a reason why they only drive at 35-40mph in a 60mph zone? Almost late for work through this one pratt. Worked today 7am-4pm. Very boring day, the site I work at was on extreme alert today but, as always happens, nothing happened, no-one came. Sorry can't give details here, but, believe me, the threat potential was there.
Going back to work after a few days off has started to bring the depression on. I wasn't so bad yesterday, but I recognise it's coming back. I've upped the St John's Wort to 2 full strength tablets, one in the morning and the other at night. Hopefully, it will help.
I've set up another submitter account for myself today (naughty, but I do own the program) and I'm rejoining the safelists under this new identity. When this accounts set up, I'll be able to post an ad to all safelists four days a week instead of just the once. Really need to concentrate on the sales now, turnover's plummeting like crazy, and the drain on my wages gets bigger every week. I've now set up 3 extra accounts with the submitter, and called them Wedenesday, Thursday, & Saturday. Guess when I advertise? The only problem with setting up a submitter account is that I now have to click all validation links each individual safelist sends through to verify my email addresses.
Each safelist needs two different email addresses, and sends through two validation links, both of which have to be confirmed, by clicking on each one, individually . Thats about 3,400 links to be clicked then.

Friday 1st December - Mayor's Visit

Well, here we are, the first of December, Christmas just around the corner, on a day off, and I had to go into work to cover a colleague who's on time off. 12 hour day shift.The local town mayor visited my site today, everyone in full pomp & circumstance mode. I didn't see her though, as I let her in through the electronic gates, and the her car went straight to the second building, parked up, and the mayor was met by the site manager. I had a long talk with her chauffer though, a really nice man called John, who had a cup of tea with me as he was waiting for the mayor to finish her duties. Other than that, nothing to report really, other than I lost a customer today through no reason other than, I think, he needs to save money for Christmas. Hopefully, he'll rejoin me next year.

Hate losing customers! Had one complaint from a non paying customer (Don't ask) who needed help in setting up her submitter account. Time spent on business today - about 45 minutes. Time spent on my job- 14 hours, including travelling.