Ladies & Gentlemen, The Teenage One Has Left The Premises!

The photo on this blog shows the state of our front room as the Teenage One left it on Friday when she went to school, and I found it at 2pm in the afternoon when I got up.

When I was at school, it was the boys who were dishevelled, disorganised and untidy where as the girls were prim and proper,and OH SO clean and tidy.

Whats gone wrong, I wonder? Or is it that the Clean and Tidy thing doesn't kick in until after the teenage years with the young ladies today?

Answers on a postcard please!

Paul

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Friday 15th June - First Night Shift Over!

The first night shift is always a killer shift for me and last night was no exception, so I'm glad its over. And didn't it rain? Hard!

No prizes then, for guessing who was caught up in it! Started at 1am ish, and with only about two 15 minute breaks between the showers all night there was little chance I could escape it really. Got soaked through, the rain soaked through my waterproof (?) coat, soaked my jumper on my shoulders and now I've woken up with a blocked nose as I couldn't get dry again properly all night!

Three more nights to do, then off on Monday night, then start nights again on Tuesday for another 6 nights. No rest for the wicked, well, not until the 25th anyway!

Lee, thanks for telling us you're Okay for Monday 25th, and good luck with the test! Simon and Dewdrop, are you okay for 7pm that day? Sorry you can't make it Letty, maybe next time perhaps?

I've never been to the Woolpack before, so, Simon, where do I park? Having worked at the college previously in my life, I know the Woolpack patrons shouldn't park on the college car park. Don't want to get clamped!

Anyone else who's coming, look out for a green N reg Volvo saloon and you know I'm there! Really looking forward to meeting you all!

Talking about meetings, the Birthday event last Sunday didn't happen in the end. Eldest daughter and her boyfriend are coming over this Sunday for Fathers Day so this Sunday IS the big family gathering. Everyone's going to be here, so we'll have a packed house Sunday afternoon and I'm getting up earlier than normal then and being the cenre of attention for a few hours before having to leave at 6.15pm for work again.

And my first non smoking day starts at 7.30 am, Monday. Now, thats something I'm really not looking forward to!!

Paul

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Wednesday 13th June - It's A Date!

After everything that's happened lately, I'm slowly getting back to normal. thanks for all your replies gang, hows about Monday 25th June for our quick get together? I can be at the Woolpack for 7pm, is that Okay for everyone?

I'm really looking forward to meeting all my new friends from IMM. I promise I'll only keep you for an hour or so! Simon, Lee and Dewdrop thanks for your acceptances. Letty and Big Boy, I'd love to meet you too if you can make it.

We'll have to name the group for this one off meeting to conform with the Woolpack tradition. The Grumpy Old Men group already exists, and as we'll be seeing a couple of ladies as well, I thought we could be the Grumpy Old Bloggers, or GOBs for short!

On the day to day basis, the QE cancelled my results appointment today as they say it's not needed. I've had the official letter now as well, so I'm officially clear of Cancer. Letty, you'll be pleased to hear that we've told middle daughter now that everythings over and done with. The only one we haven't told now is the baby daughter, AKA The Teenage One. As she's coming up for her big exams, and as two of her best friends have recently lost parents to Cancer as well, we're not going to tell her.

I'm still grateful the last three or four weeks are over. I never want to go through that again.

Ever.

I've just got to go for a review meeting now with my GP to discuss options when she gets back off her holiday, so that's going to be about two weeks time.

Now, I'm going to start to enjoy life again. Starting with getting the business up and running (I'll tell everyone the business name at the pub) properly and of course, the old battle resumes, getting enough money in every month.

That one starts again tomorrow.

And, just to close, and hopefully without getting boring, can I just say, once again, thanks to everyone for your support and encouragement over the last few weeks. You have all helped to make an impossible situation a lot more bearable. Thank you. And, I promise, that's the last time the C-Incident will be mentioned here.

Paul

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Monday 11th June- Results are through

My new doctors secretary rang up the home phone today whilst me and the wife were at work and left a message.

Its not Cancer.

Thank God. we are all so relieved obviously, and there have been heartfelt tears occasionally, and there's still a strange silence at the moment, almost as if we can't believe the fairy tale ending. Almost as if the whole things so fragile that a sudden noise will destroy it.

The shadow is there, and does exist, and it's caused by me having emphasema (I think that's how it's spelt). That's lung damage caused through smoking. I've already made plans to pack up smoking as regular readers will know, and now the results are in, as it were, my last fags going to be on Sunday night, just before I go to bed.

The condition is "mild" in medical terms, but obviously it will get worse as I get older if I continue to smoke. So I have no choice. I certainly don't want to have to go through all this again.

Ever.

So, once again everyone, thanks millions for your support. You are all briliant friends.

Simon, if you're reading this, I'd like to organise an hour at the woolpack and invite all those people who have been so good to me for a celebrationary drink with me - just for an hour or so, sometime over the next fortnight or so. Think we can get this sorted out somehow mate?

I'd love to meet you all. I'll work out when I can be there over the next couple of days and see when people can get there. I'll bring my son with me, but other than that, it'll just be me.
Anyone up for it?

And, once again everyone, thank you for being there. My heart, and my head, is heavy with relief at the moment, and I'm still waiting for the confirmation letter to come through which was posted first class today.

But the phone call, that single recorded message, has changed my life - forever.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Paul

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Sunday 10th June- Ready for back to work

The last few days have flown by, and today is my last day of freedom before returning to work again at 7am tomorrow morning. Back to normal then.Thanks for your good wishes Letty and Dewdrop. Really welcome!

Working days Monday and Tuesday, off Wednesday (Scan Result Day), then back on nights Thursday through to Sunday. Roll on 7am Monday morning!

Life's pretty much the same here. The Teenage One is still having the occasional tantrum, the loud music (I believe that's what these young people call their racket) as well as the occasional door slam.

But it's First Daughters Birthday tomorrow, so we're expecting a family gathering here this afternoon. After writing this, we're off to Focus at Fakenham to get a few more decorating supplies ready for my next lot of days off, and then we'll get ready for this afternoon.

I thought I'd leave you with a joke that made me smile. Here goes:

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited ata party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the bathroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at thebottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration,and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. He's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of theline Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Hey, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said:"Well, that's terrific! My son studied in The best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave awaysomething very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the bathroom and asked: "What are all the Congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for thesuccesses of our sons.... What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living Dancing as astripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... What a disappointment."The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either.

His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet,and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Boom Boom!
Paul

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Friday 8th June- Hospital Checks Now Complete

That's it then. All done. Just got to wait until Wednesday now to get the results. Now, everythings in the hand of the Gods.

The wife had another day off work, booked it as an holiday day to come with me. Again, we were at the QE for just turned half eight, I was seen at 9am, and we were leaving the hospital just after half nine.

Today it was the lung function test. This is where you blow into a mouth piece, similar to a peak flow meter, and I had to do this 12 times, with a clip over my nose forcing me to breathe through my mouth. The air I was breathing in was hot and dry and I soon got really thirsty through it. Apparently, my oxygen absorbtion rate by my lungs is lower than expected.

So that's it then. Nothing more can be done now.

Just the big waiting game now.

After that, I and the wife invaded Farmland Foods, did a load of shopping and we're now back home.

Paul

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Thursday 7th June - Scanned!

Today's the day. I went to QE Hospital with the wife and got scanned. Now, it's just a case of waiting until next Wednesday for the results.

We got to the hospital early this morning, as my wife had to her blood tests at the doctors, and rather than have her come home from the doctors, then go out again half hour later, I elected to go with her to the doctors, then go straight to the hospital from there.

So we ended up waiting there about an hour and half until my appointment time. I ended up having a CT Scan in the end.

This is the one where you lay on a bed, and the bed moves back and forth through a half donut thing where the scans are made. You don't have to undresss, except for taking a jumper off, and I had to take my belt off as well because of the metal buckle.

They then put one of those things in your arm ready for an injection and slide you through the donut with your hands and arms above your head and connect you up to the injection. This injects a dye into you that highlights your bloodlines and organs.

That injection gives you a warm feeling down your back, through your groin and into your legs. Feels like you've peed yourself at one stage!

After you've had your injection, the nurse scurries off into her office and they talk to you through a mike on the donut. I think, all told, I went through the scanner 4 times. The whole process took about 15-20 minutes and it was finished.

But I'm not finished yet. Not sure what happened, but I was supposed to have a couple more lung function checks today as well, but I think the hospital forgot about them. I've got to go back to the hospital at 9am tomorrow morning again.

Then, it should be finished until results day next Wednesday. That's the day I want out of the way. Forever. Although the doctor told me yesterday he's not too concerned about the scan, the worry still keeps invading my mind and thoughts. There's no chance of stopping smoking yet - not until this whole things over and done with.

Paul

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D Day Tribute

Although it cannot ever be right to celebrate war, I feel disappointed that the D Day Anniversary Landings have been consigned to silence and with exception to the Paul O Grady Show and Radio 4 Yesterday, they haven't even been mentioned.

On June 6, 1944, a date known ever since as D-Day, a mighty armada crossed a narrow strip of sea from England to Normandy, France, and cracked the Nazi grip on western Europe.
The landings on 5 beaches namely Omaha, Utah, Sword, Gold and Juno resulted in 9,000 British and Allies deaths.

Isn't it bad that such an important, historical event should be largely forgotten today?

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.

Paul

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Blog Titles Changed

Just to say, I've just realised that today is the 60th anniversary of the D Day landings. I didn't realise this when I've blogged over the last couple of days or so and as my battle is nothing compared to those landings, I've changed the headings My blogs reading D Day have now been changed to scan day

Paul

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Wednesday 6th June Scan Day

Just got back from hospital. No scan today, that, as it turns out, is tomorrow at 11.55 am. But I did have a consultation with my new doctor

So, what can I say? Well, the end result of the consultation was that the doctor said he wasn't particularily concerned about the shadow, BUT I'd still have to go back tomorrow for the scan to confirm.

Today it was a battery of tests. First off was my oxygen count at my fingertips which was 99%. Then my wee was tested and "theres nothing in it" according to the nurse. Then I had two lung function tests where you blow long and hard into this reader. Height and weight were checked.Finally, a blood sample was taken.

Then I went into the doctor who asked me lots of questions and listened to my lungs & heart. My breathing is down slightly because of the smoking, but at this point, everythings fairly normal to good.

And I'm so grateful.

I know its not over yet, by a long shot. I'm still waiting for Wednesday 13th when I collect the results,and hopefully, I'll be discharged and I can put this sorry, frightening case behind me.

Thanks for your good luck wishes this morning Simon, believe me, at that point, they were really welcome. And thanks as well to all my IMM friends for all your support as well. You've all helped make this more bearable. Thank you all. I'll post an update tomorrow after the scan.

Paul

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Tuesday 5th June Scan Day Minus 1

Finished work at 7am this morning and I've now got 6 days off before returning to work next Monday, on the new shift, on days. I've taken 2 days off as well as my normal 4 days rest to get ready for Scan day tomorrow.

So, I'll be glad when tomorrows over, obviously. I and my wife, The Wise One, are planning on hitting QE at 8.30 am tomorrow morning. If you're around QE, and see an M reg Green Volvo in the car park, we're there! Then, its waiting for DDay Plus 7 when I get the results.

What else to tell? Well, I think the Teenage One may have got us in a bit of bother yesterday. The Wise One went into work early at 6.30am, and when this happens, she rings the Teenage One to get her up for school.

This went to plan. At 7.30, the phone rang, woke me up as well, I heard the Teenage One talking on the phone, and then general noises as she started mooching around.So I went back to sleep.
Then the phone went again. This was followed by frantic rushing around, some general teenage comments, and some furious activity. The next thing I know she was waking me up, asking me to take her and her friend to school!

Problems! The Wise One had the car at work. My Nissan is still poorly on the drive, neglected, mot-less, and without a battery. School bus missed. A friend stuck at her house witing for her friend, my daughter, to call for her. One Missed school bus.

No school for my daughter and her friend. Rules broken because at her school, the parents have to ring up if the kids don't go to school. I didn't ring because I was still in bed. So the school rang here yesterday, and the Teenage One answered the phone. Oh dear!

Bad Dad!

But, for my defence, I will say that my increased Anti Depressant dosage is making me sleep like I haven't done for years. The tablets are making me totally carefree about most things. I don't even bother about going to work anymore (Now that, in itself, is a miracle). Thankyou Big Boy and Letty - I wish I'd known you years ago before things got so bad.

Two Miracles, sort of, this last week to tell you about. Firstly, that incredible pain on my left side I've had for weeks, has suddenly vanished, without treatment. Now that's strange. This pain resulted me in going to the doctors, being sent for a chest xray, and then suddenly goes after the xray shows up problems. Was that a miracle, forcing me to investigate further, then disappearing when I'd got myself checked out? Maybe someone's looking after me up there after all.

And the second one? Well, I was in a quiet period in one of my night shifts, feeling sorry for myself admittedly and having a quick cigarette at the back door of the office I work in. Must have been about 2am. I was on my own, and I heard this rustling from the side of the building.
Then this baby deer came into sight, not noticing me at first. He came to within 2 or 3 feet of me before he noticed me. He didn't run away straight off, we had eye contact for a couple of minutes before he turned and fled.

A baby deer in an industrial area where there's no woods, not for a couple of miles anyway? I've never seen this before, neither has anyone else to my knowledge. Is this a meaning for me? And why didn't he flee straight away when he saw me?

See, miracles do happen, even in my normal, chaotic, stressed out and debt ridden life.

Isn't life Wonderful?
Paul

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Political Correctness is killing our country

According to the new rules and regulations, I shouldn't be alive today because I'm a sixties child
We grew up in cots painted in lead based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no child proof lids on medicine bottles, or latches or catches on doors and cabinets and it was fine to play with the pots and pans.

When we rode our bikes, we did so without helmets and other body protection, just sandals on our feet, and more often than not, wearing just a tee shirt and shorts.

As children, providing mum and dad were rich enough to own a car, we rode in them without seatbelts, air bags or side impact protection systems.

We drank the dew from the grass in the fields, and water from the garden hosepipes and not from a bottle - and it tasted the same.

We ate sandwiches made from the cold fat left in the pan after cooking meat - called dripping in the Midlands- and followed it by drinking sugar rich pop. We were never overweight because cars, computer games and televisions were not as prolific as they are now, so we were always playing outside.

We didn`t have hundreds of television channels, video tapes, DVD’s, surround sound, mobile phones, Computers, and internet chatrooms. We used to have real friends and used to have to go out to find them.

We used to walk to school every day instead of expecting mum to take us in the big four wheel drive armoured personnel carriers they use today, clogging up all the roads.

We shared one drink between four or five friends and no one died from doing so.We would spend hours building carts from scrap wood, and after crashing into stinging nettles so many times, we learned how to cure the blisters without the medication creams we`re taught to use today. We would play out all day, in all weathers, getting back before dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.

We played street games and cricket without helmets. Sometimes the ball did really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cuts and bruises and broken teeth and there were no lawsuits. We just learned not to do the same thing again. We rode our bikes in packs of six or seven and wore our coats only by the hoods. We made our things last for ever, or as long as possible anyway. The idea of our parents baling us out if we got in trouble with the police was unheard of. We learned our actions were our own and consequences were expected.

This freedom has produced some of the best risk takers, inventors and problem solvers ever. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility and we learned how to deal with it ourselves before Governments started to interfere and regulate our lives for `Our own good`.

We were not cocooned in cotton wool and grew up knowing that we had responsibility for our own lives. Exercise was the natural order of the day. We did not grow up like todays children.
If you had a childhood like mine, congratulations. It won't happen again. Government regulations will make sure of that.

Paul

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Saturday 2nd June - New Month, New Start?

I'm glad May's over and done with. I don't like May at the best of times and, well, this year it's just been exceptionally bad

Anyway, on to better things (ish), and looking forward.My baby girl approaches growed upness today as she starts her first ever paid job, working as a helper in a hairdressing salon in Hunstanton. I managed to sneak a photo of her on her way out on my phone for prosterity.She thinks I'm sad. I think I'm old! Where does time go, and why does it go so fast?

Back to the scan, quickly. I was deeply touched on Thursday when my line manager waited for almost two hours after he'd finished work just to see me (I'd emailed him that morning telling him I needed time off and why). He told me not to worry, that he'd had a friend who gone through the same thing and he was OK after a long course of tablets. But he then told me that if I needed time off, or anything else, I was to ring him personally.Wasn't that good of him?

Otherwise, behind the scenes, everything continues as normal. I finished work at 7am this morning, and back at work 7am tomorrow, then nights again on Monday. I'm having Tuesday and Wednesday off in addition to my days off Thursday to Sunday. When I get home tomorrow afternoon, I'm in the garden again for 3 hours cutting the front & back grass. That'll be Sunday over and done with then.

I'm not doing very well on the smoking front, so I'm going to give it another go when I've been for the scan, before I go back to work, so now, Wednesday night is my day for the Last Fag.

I've reformatted my main business format and it's ready to go. I'll be restarting it the day after I get the scan results back, so that makes it a week on Thursday. I've gone from internet publishing and advertising to magazine publishing, and the first magazines just been finished.

If any of you would like a copy, send me an email at knightrider45atbtinternet.com and I'll send you a PDF copy back by email with pleasure, Monday onwards. It'll be good to get some feedback before it goes to press, so to speak. It's not all about business, there's some other things in there too, like an article on getting your PC ready for Vista, protecting your PC against viruses, an article on depression amonsgt others. Its basically a general interest mag based around business.

I'm hoping to start advertising again by the end of this month, and starting over from scratch again, so I'll be really busy soon again.

Just have to get rid of some of my black clouds in my life first, then I can concentrate on getting money in again!

Paul

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Wednesday 30th May - Big Letter Day

The scan appointments just come through.

I'm to report to QE outpatients department at 9am, Wednesday 6th June, 9am taking a list of medications and a wee sample with me.

Not sure if I get the results through that day or not, but I'm under the impression they'll send them through to the doctors.

So, I'll ask for your hopes, prayers and good wishes twice my friends if I can. On the day of the scan and on the day of the doctors appointment. This sad case will soon be put to an end.

Paul

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Tuesday 29th May - Struggling a bit today

Well, struggling a lot really. Packing up smokings so hard - but I knew it would be of course.
Yesterday, the first day, I failed miserably. I'm not doing much better today either. As soon as I think I'm stopping, my body seems to go into meltdown. I lasted half hour yesterday before I got severe gut rot.

Just temporary, I know. but I gave in. Today, pretty much the same again. Only using roll ups though - I'm not buying any more fags.

So, I'll start again tomorrow, but instead of treating it as a Final thing, I'm aiming to stop for 24 hours first. try it that way. The best thing about the last two days though is that I have cut down. A lot.

To answer Simon's question, I'm on about 30 a day, but on my first nightshift, it's more like 50, for the first day only. As normal people go to bed at night, I'm just about to start my second half of the day. Then, for the rest of the night, its back to 30 a day.

So, like I say, I'll start again, tomorrow. I must stop, theres no two ways about it. Hard and horrible, but I love life more than the cigarrettes.

Its been exactly a week since I got the xray results, but still no scan dates yet. Hopefully, it'll come through over the next few days. Truth told, I've thought about the scan - or the results more correctly, thousands of times over the last week.

A totally s*it situation, both with life, and home life too. The shadows still hanging over us. Everyone's worried, and we still haven't told the two youngest yet. Often, I've caught my wife just sitting, staring at me.

And it's started to affect my son as well. He'd been crying in his room last night. He's going to his grandads grave for the first time in years on Thursday with his mum.

I just hope that I can pull us all through this. But, at the moment, I just don't know what to say, or do, to make things a little bit better. It's the not knowing I think that's ripping us apart. Because of my family's legacy, I've spoken to all of them over the years about me dying early.

I just don't want it to be now.

Paul

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Sunday 27th May - Still on the crazy shift & Goodbye old friend

Its 5.30am on a rainy Sunday morning and I'm just about ready to go out the door again. Woken up with a headache - again - so I've had my normal breakfast!

2 cups of really strong tea, three anadin extra (two never seem to work with me) and a couple of fags from my last packet.

Yes, todays my last day of smoking, not buying any more fags. Hopefully for ever, but I'll start at one day at time for starters, thank you! I've been smoking since I was 12, occasionally, and I think the dreaded weed finally caught me properly when I was 13.

Not Politically correct to say that these days is it? Especially if I was to say that I've enjoyed every single one of them as well. I've made many close friends through the years through smoking, as it has always been a closed club really, even in those days, when I remember, 10 number 6 tipped cost just 27p! The Smokers Club members, behind the old tech block at school, and down the corridor in George Rose Park, Wednesbury, that took you past the lavs then acted as the back way out of the park, looked after each other then, with a couple of us standing on guard in case of errant teachers!

And yes, I did get caught on a couple of occasions! One time I remember, it was by a Mr Price, the school's head of PE. But as the teachers were on strike when he saw me, (remember the strikes?) he had a strong word with me, but took no further action.

But I am grateful that today's kids are educated better against smoking. Bearing in mind I grew up on a rough council estate in the West Midlands, where EVERYONE smoked. It was just normal, then, for kids to go to school having pinched a couple of their dads Park Drive cigarettes for breaks.

You had to be really strong not to start smoking. I was in a close knit gang (in the old, Enid Blyton sense of the word) and, well, as I said earlier, it was normal back then.

God, I'm going to miss it. You see, I need to pack up, but I don't want to. I think a major battle is forecast. Its been part of my life for so long, and even now, I can't imagine life without a fag.
Talking of major battles, I still haven't had the letter about the scans yet. So I guess that will definately be here this week. I'm really looking forward to closing this certain chapter so I can, God willing, get on with my life. I have so much left to do.

Paul

Thursday 24th May - Life Goes On

There's definately a kind of hush in our house at the moment after the bombshell dropped on me Tuesday by the doctor.

But, two days later, I've had time to think, and readjust. And, perhaps most of all, research.

I am not belittling anything here whatsoever, but I've gone over the doctors conversation, time and time again. What I remember her saying is that I had a small shadow on my last xray, last year sometime as part of my MOT (I make it a rule to have a full MOT, xrays, bloodtests, every year now because of my inheritance).

The shadow was then insignificant, so I didn't have to be told. This year, it's just simply the fact that the same shadow has grown slightly, which is why they want to investigate further.

Researching shows that I don't have any symptoms of the Big C, like weight loss, funny coughs, blood leaking etc, so, on those grounds, I'm putting bad thoughts out of mind. I don't know how long the shadows been there; last year was my first ever xray, but it's obviously been there some time. So, if it was bad, I'd surely have had some symptoms by now, wouldn't I, surely?

So, I'm hoping it's something like astma (I'm sure there's an h in there somewhere), a chest infection, or some scar damage from when I've breathed in stomach acid when I've woken up in the middle of the night choking on it.

But,on the positive side, I'm taking this as a wake up call, so I'm giving up the fags. Don't want to go through this s*it again.

I wasn't going to say anything to the kids until after the scans, but my wife has told the eldest two. The First Little Girl and The Teenage One haven't been told yet. But, there is a big black cloud over our house at the moment.

And I'd never get life insurance at the moment to put things right if it turns out to be something bad. I know the desperate man does win sometimes. Hopefully now, it's my turn to win.

Paul

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Black Tuesday, 22nd May, 2007

I think my families legacy's starting to come true. Had a phone call from my doctor this morning, my wife took the call, and I was called in to see her at 3pm this afternoon. I've just got back
The chest Xray I had last week has given no reason for the pain on my left hand side, so we suspect that the pain is due to inflamed cartiledge.

But the xray did show a shadow on my lung, top left.

I've written here time and time again about the male line of my family dying early, through Heart & lung problems. I just hope that it's not my turn, not yet anyway.

Got to go for another couple of detailed xrays now, not sure whether its the CATSCAN or MRI; can't remember what the doctor told me. Should be inside two weeks though. At best, odds are 50% its innocent, the other alternative 50% I'm not going to even consider.

Nothing else to say really. Antidepressant dose has just been doubled, take the first tablet tomorrow morning before going to bed after tonight's night shift.

I'll remember today forever.

Paul
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Friday 18th May - Debts piling up again

Well, thats my week off come to an end then. With tonights night shift, I'd have worked 53 hours, so I guess that's not bad for a week off really!

Just as well I suppose, with the debt letters coming through the letter box today. I've had car Insurance at £189 something, final demand for the council tax/notice of intended action (Owe them 3 months), the phone bill, another £190, and I think that's about it.

£2,400 worth of demands in one day. That's ontop of the car repairs & MOT - oh, and the car tax as well, all due within 28 days. So, shall we round it up to a straight £2,800. Aren't I lucky?
Time off is a priviledge I can't obviously afford to take.

I'm not going to go over old ground here, but lets just say I'm really peed off today. These letters have really knocked me down again. How is a man supposed to get on in this world of ours? I've just about managed to pay for the mortgage this month, and put a bit of petrol in the car when I got paid, after paying the sub back I had from last month.

Theres about 12 bills I haven't paid. Sky's cut off - again - and the wifes not too pleased, although she's dealing with it better than the last time. Sometimes, no, change that, I'm always, working to pay back debt. Seriously, this can't go on for the next 22 years until THE MORTGAGE is paid off, can it?

Best thing about today? Its nice to see Margaret Thatcher in the UK's top people of all time. Go on Maggie!

Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Thursday 17th May - Thank you QE Xray Dept

I and the wife set off to the QE this morning at 8am, getting there at 8.30am and expecting to spend hours there. What a pleasant suprise in the end!

I know we were early, but when we got there, there were loads of empty car parking spaces, and I'd been booked in, xrayed, and was leaving the grounds inside 40 minutes!

Moral of the tale? If you've got a checkup at QE get there between 7am-8.30am

Thank you QE staff for an excellent, friendly service. I am to report to my GP a week today, onwards, for the results - this will probably be a week on Monday as I'm on nights for the next two weeks, so I can only go and see her on Mondays without having to get up early. I'm aiming to ring her next Monday as well for the anti depressants review.

After the QE visit, I and the wife invaded Matalan to replace my belt which broke a few weeks ago, costing £7.00 (I'm sure my last belt only cost 4s 6d!!), then we toured the Morrisons Emporium. Strange but true fact - this is the first time I and the Wise One have been out together, on our own, for what seems like years.

And that's about it for today, I'm now starting to wind myself up for the nightshift at 7pm (Roll on 7am tomorrow). Thanks for the comment on yesterdays blog Letty - you are quite right - the wife's only looking out for me. It was just that, well, the suddeness really, of how she decided today was The Day. No escape!

She'd even found the doctors letter and kept it in her handbag for a week to make sure I wouldn't "lose it!"

Until tomorrow

Paul
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Wednesday 16th May - So that was my day off!

And it's absolutely flown by. Didn't get up to 10am again, I hate getting up late, it really ruins my day. I know I'm tired, and worn out, but can that be an excuse to waste valuable time?

Haven't done much at all today through being so tired and having a wicked headache that I've still got 12 hours after waking up. So much for catching up with my sleep then!

Broken my heart today as well as I've paid this months mortgage payment, all £865.00 of it!
I've done a bit of work on my business website, I'm now two weeks behind myself, but I'm hoping to get this finalised over the next week, I can then start concentrating on the shopping site.

I didn't get around to making another appointment with my doctor, as I was supposed to have rung up at 8.30 am this morning for an appointment, but I was still in the land of nod then! As my doctor only works three days a week, I've got to wait until Monday to get to see her now.

But I've had a bit of a suprise today, and I don't know where this has come from at all. My wife (the Wise One) has realised that I've missed my Xray at QE, and she has chosen tomorrow as The Day when she is going to frog march me there. So it looks like I'm spending most of the day in QE's outpatients XRay Dept, before spending the night at work.

Well, I'm obviously not going to get much done tomorrow then, am I?

Paul

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Tuesday 15th May - Really Really Busy

Where does time go, and why does it go so fast these days? Its been 5 days since I blogged, and I can't believe its been so long.

I've had to put all plans on hold for a fortnight or so because one of my colleagues at work has gone sick, and with another one soon to start his holiday, its all hands on deck between the remaining staff.

Letty blogged a reply to one of my blogs lately about me trying to get out of going to a barbeque, and she said I really ought to go and give the people socialising thing a go. Well, I thought, ok then, I'd go (thanks Letty) but then, I had a phone call..........

I ended up working Saturday night from 6pm until 1pm Sunday dinnertime (Lunch time in Norfolk), went home, got three hours sleep, just to take the edge of it as I was really tired, and the rest of the day just went. Up at 5am monday, and today, as I'm doing 2 twelve hour day shifts on my days off, I've managed to get Wednesday off (Hooray for a lie in), then back on nights Thursday/Friday.

Not bad for a week of, eh? I'm set the my best month ever in the wages department as I'm only having 4 days off this month, mainly to change over from nights to days, for a single day, then I'm back on nights the day after. So I finish nights 7am Saturdays, off on Saturday night, work days Sundays, then back on nights Mondays.

My body clocks going to be totally shot through by the end of May, but as I said earlier, it's going to be my best month ever with the overtime, and bank holiday working.

I've had to put my xray off at the QE (that was going to be Monday) and my doctors review about the anti depressants (Tuesday), but I'm hoping to be able to get a doctors appointment tommorow. Still not feeling any different physically, but I am now sleeping, and sleeping very deeply and not waking up every so often, so that's a bonus. And I haven't had a Black Mood for ages either - so obviously somethings starting to kick in somewhere. I still crave isolation and need to be on my own though.

And I've had to put off relaunching the business for a fortnight. This is going to become more and more difficult to restart now as the new rota kicks in at work next month and I lose my blocks of days off which is 7 now, and its going to go down to three days off now, So times going to be tight.

But, at the moment, wages are my priority, and with the interest rate rise last week, and with another one forecast next month, my mortgage alone is going to be £900 monthly by August.
Paul

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Thursday 10th May - Closing Chapters

The power of the first of May continues to haunt me. That day has again claimed another victim that I know.

This time it was David, an artically intelligent man I got to know through my computer work. I sorted out a virus for him once and then set up his computer on broadband for him when civilisation eventually caught up with our estate. He was 74 (ish) and the stomach cancer finally got him 10 days ago.

I must also mention Annie, a lady I worked with on numerous occasions. Annie was in her late 50's and I always used to call her My Little Petal. She wasn't a conventional woman due to her hard Irish upbringing. She lived for her family but had a mans attitude to both work and life. I found out over the last weekend that she'd died about 6 months ago, and no-one from my job saw fit to tell me as she worked in Peterborough,where I used to work, and because I now work in Kings Lynn, none of the new management made the connection between us, which is why I haven't been told. Petal was a unique lady with a beautiful personality, and I shall miss her, especially the way she said thirty three, as the Irish dialect took over on this number only and she always used to say Tirty three. She died of ovary cancer.

I shall miss both people a lot.

Closing some more chapters, I have sorted out the fault with my anti virus company after sending them a professional (aka Really Snotty) letter. The technical manager rang me Tueday, I returned his call yesterday, sorted a dew things out with him, and my software, once again is fully working.

I'm exactly half way through my first course of prescribed anti depressants, and have a review with the doctor next Tuesday. The Family have not mentioned my affliction in days, so I guess they're getting used to it now. Do I feel better? No, not really, at least I haven't felt mentally happy yet, but give it time. The biggest difference I have noticed is that I'm generally calmer and don't get worked up so fast. thats worth it on it's own.

The new business is now finished, and I'm uploading the new format site over the weekend. The new format, having dropped the old one, means I can now sell using Paypal again, so I'm looking forward to building up the business again as soon as I can.

The only chapter I can't change at the moment is my finance one. I've kept the house for another month, but that's all I can afford to do. Nothing else whatsoever.

And the final chapter I'm closing now - I'm being forced to say goodbye to the Music Cassette. Currys, in their infinate wisdom, are going to stop selling them with immediate effect, and then stop selling the music systems with tape decks after Christmas. Farewell, Cassettes, you served my teenage years and my first 15 driving years very well. I shall miss you, although I still have several hundred cassettes here and I shall always have a cassette player.

Just like I've got a RECORD PLAYER. I don't care much for progress, I love my viynl and cassettes!

Paul
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Tuesday 8th May - Official Tea Duties Finish!

Well, the biggest thing to report today is that today is the last, or should be the last, day of my afternoon cooking duties for The Family.

My son gets his licence back at midnight so he'll be driving himself to and from work again. Hooray! This means that his mum doesn't have to get up at 6am every day to take him to work, and doesn't have to pick him up every afternoon. Which means we get back to normal. After 15 months of taxi and kitchen drudgery, its going o be wonderful.

Apart from that, I decided to set out at 6pm last night to get to work for 7, because I was late on my last bank holiday shift because of all the Hunstanton traffic, and all the day trippers going home.

Guess what? Not a single traffic jam or hold up in sight, sailed straight through. Which meant I got to work half hour early at 6.30! Could only happen to me, eh?

Still on nights this week, and I've "volunteered" for an extra night shift's overtime on Saturday night. I'm supposed to be starting this socialising thing on Sunday again by going to a barbeque, but as normal, I really don't fancy going out. What will be, will be. Lets see what time I get home, and what time my wife, The Wise One, proposes on starting our Barbeque adventure.

Did I use the overtime to try and get out of socialising? I Don't know. Maybe.

Okay, got to get The Family's tea ready. For the last time. Hooray!
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

4.30am, Day Off, Sunday 6th May.

Well, here I am. 4.30am on a day off, just about to go through the door having had a phone call last night been called into work because of staff shortages. I'm working 6-9 am (ish)

So that's spoilt my only proper day off this week. Although it's only a 3 hour shift to act as a bridge between 2 men on shifts, its going to be more like 4 and half hours after travelling time.
So that's basically ruined my days start. I was going to spend the day in the garden after washing the cars.

The Teenage One returned home from a sleepover last night, and promptly kept me awake until 12.30 with the telly on loud. Banging on her bedroom wall normally suffices in such circumstances, but last night it didn't work. She was watching Sky in the front room.

I had to get up to sort it out, found that she'd fell asleep in front of the telly. Took great pleasure in waking her up, to advise her of the error of her ways, before turning the telly off. Bad Dad! And I so wanted to do the hoovering at 4.30am this morning, you know, that bit of carpet by the settee where she's fallen asleep!

Nothing much more to tell really. Finished Friday night shift at 7am yesterday, and the first day off is spent adjusting from working nights to being a "normal" human being on days again. So I never do much on Saturdays after finishing nights.

Okay, got to go.
Paul

Tuesday 3rd May - Voting Day

I've had to put a blog entry in today just to officially tell the world out there that I've voted for UKIP! (UK Independance Party, who are fighting to get Britain out of the European Union).

Hopefully we'll make more progress this time around chaps! Apart from that, a normal day really

I think thats its a combination of tiredness and being generally run down that brought on a low mood on last nights shift, started off about 1am this morning, but I'd started to feel "better" by 6am. Nice then, that when I get these moods now, that they're only lasting a few hours . Thank you Antidepressants! Can't remember the name of them, but they're working, or starting to at least.

I'm beating the flu (The Teenage Ones Lurgy), still feel, well rough really, and tired, but I think I'm at the tail end of the thing now. Had full blown symptoms again this morning, but only for two hours (?) then it mysteriously vanished as quick as it had re-surfaced.

Still working away on revamping my business membership site, uploading a few files each day, according to what time I get. I'm still aiming on restarting in the next 2 weeks or so - then you just watch me fly!

Still forgetting things - my recognition skills, which have never been brilliant if I'm honest have now totally shot through. Most people have problems remembering names, but just to be different, I can't remember faces, I'm not to bad at names. And the Family have had to wait for their tea twice over the last week or so because I've put the oven on to warm through, got busy doing whatever, and then forgot to the food in! The Family get back to find an hot oven, with the food still ontop of the cooker. Doh!

I just must be getting really old now!

Paul

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Tuesday 1st May, Dads Anniversary

Todays the Anniversary. At 7.30am (ish) on this day in 1981 I went downstairs as a 16 year old boy and found my dad sitting up on the settee, dead, having been woken by my mums scream from downstairs.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. I remember putting my hand on my Dads neck to check for a pulse, like they did in the films in those days, feeling his cold, hard stiffness and my mum really upset next to me. I called the ambulance, who also called our doctor, and the rest of the day was spent in turmoil.

That day alone is responsible for instilling in me my chronic sense of urgency. The congential heart condition inherited by my male family line had killed him after a long, 2 year illness. He was 49.

I must also mention the other father figure in my life too. His name was Bill, and he is my wifes dad. Today is also his anniversary for he also died on this date, 10 years ago, pre empting absolute chaos for our plans moving down here from the Midlands. Bill died in the QE hospital. Overtime, we had grown close from being total strangers.

So, all told, May 1st is not particularily brilliant for me. It has, however, taught me that life is valuable and we each owe it to ourselves to get the most out of our life before it ends, as one day, soon, it surely will.

So, today, I have no moans. I am just appreciating this valuable gift of life, and remembering two of the most important men in my life. I am looking forward to midnight though, because then, it will be another new day.

Until tomorrow,
Paul

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Sunday 29th April - Another Month Gone

Wow, another month almost gone! Times flying past so quickly now. Flu (AKA The Teenage Ones Lurgy) has finally got me in its grip now.

I was alright yesterday when I got up and drove to work, but by 7.15am I had all the symptoms - thank you Teenage One, and they didn't get better all day. I was so tired by 8.30am yesterday it was unreal.

Funny how kids always bring friends home with them, isn't it? If its not Flu, a virus or something else it's nits!!

Nothing to say about yesterday other than that really, quiet day at work, fortunately and I'm writing this now as I get ready to go out the door again. Short shift today, get back about 2pm this afternoon, might Strim the front grass this afternoon as the mower doesn't seem to be touching it much. Depends on how I feel later.

The Teenage One suprised me and her mum yesterday as she performed first aid on one of her friends in the kitchen last night who had a bad cut. Didn't say anything to us about it, but when I went in the kitchen to do my packup for today, I found kitchen roll on top of bin soaked in blood, and bits of the first aid box left out.

Turns out shes done an emergency first aid course as part of her hairdresing course at College. Well, if it wasn't for the fact that she was a typical teenager (and didn't clean up after finishing) I wouldn't have known anything at all.

The baby's growing up. Too fast.
Paul

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Saturday 28th April - Physic Intervention

Wel, thats that week over and done with then. Its 5.15 as I write this, and I'm getting ready for work again for another week. Only two things to report from yesterday really.

The phone was made, at last Thursday night. I eventually got my wife together on the phone with Emma Schofield from KLFM's Sixth Sense Program. I'm pleased to say that the wife reports Emma was uncannily accurate - even picking up on a family tree mystery one generation ago which my wife is attempting to sort out. This would have been a massive scandal in the early 1900's and Emma picked up on it. No one, in the world knows about this except my wife and her mother!

We both have a massive interest in history, and once I get me and my business sorted out I'm going to seriously get into sorting out my family tree, and documenting what I know already. I know my great great grandmother was the last woman to be hanged in Stafford Gaol ages ago for posioning her husband. The authorities at the time forced the womans 6 year old daughter to give evidence against her mother in Court.

Emma Schofield also identified my stomach problem, and my depression, as part of my wifes reading, and also told her that we'd be moving in 2 years. I would have jumped for joy at this last remark a few weeks ago - but the pain of moving is not particularily inviting. I don't feel any different about the house, but I don't want the hassle of moving either.

What will be will be.

Onto business. I've re-done the membership site and sorted MOST of the files out ready. I'll redo the main home page over the next week, upload every thing, and I'm looking at relaunching on my next days off, 12th May or thereabouts.

I'm having problems with a company called Avanquest Software which came to a head yesterday. Our anti virus on the computers has stopped working, bit by bit, and I had to pay more money out for additional license fees.

We use a system called Systemsuite. All day yesterday I was ringing their technical helpline and the phone wasn't answered. I've sent them an email - no reply. All the time my PC isn't protected. I'm giving them until 2pm Monday before I start getting formal.I love the Systemsuite program, have had it for years on all computers I own and work on, but the company's aftersales service is sh*t.

And I'll be telling them that, well, when I can get hold of them of course! In the meantime, I'm obviously looking for something else (more money again - I know you can get the free programs but.......)
Paul

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Thursday 26th April - 2nd Day Off Sick

Not a lot to report for today really. I've had an answer from IMM admin about our personal messaging problem yesterday, saying that they're looking into it, but it's probably because the site's being upgraded.

My daughters lurgy is stlill wreaking havoc with me, although I did sleep through last night for a change. So glad I took the plunge and went sick from work. It's got to be a late one tonight though because I slept so much last night, and I know that if I go to bed early tonight, I'll be up and about at midnight again.

And today's the day when my wife talks to Emma from KLFM's Sixth Sense at 6pm. The Wifes Valentines Day present is a really late one this year!

The Family, I think, is getting used to The Depression now, at least, it hasn't been mentioned since yesterday, not in front of me anyway.

Apart from that, still reconfiguring my membership web site after the server went down last week taking the business with it. I'm hoping to have this all sorted out within the next few days so I can restart again.

Okay then, I'm off to do the Family's tea for when they all get back at 5.

And apart from the flu(?) and the tiredness, I'm Ok.
Paul

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Wednesday 25th April - Well, Would You Believe It?

After taking the Teenage One to the doctors yesterday to get her lurgy sorted out, I began to feel the distinct beginnings of a sore throat last night.

My wife, the Wise One, stated that it was probably sympathy pains with the daughter, rather like a man getting pregnancy signs when his wife is expecting.

Er, no, not really. Went to bed at 10.30 last night after taking the first anti depressant, in attempt to sleep it off, up again at just after midnight, couldn't sleep. Went to bed, eventually, at 4am again, and got up at 10.30.

Complete with a raging headache, stiff neck, and sore throat. These feel like really strong sympathy pains to me.

Went straight into recovery position, that is, a couple of cigarettes and a couple cups of strong sweet tea with three Anadin Extra. The Tesco kettle we got about two months ago, and have already replaced once, has packed up again. It will switch on, and light up, but won't do anything else.

Every Little helps. Except Tesco's £5.00 kettles. Good job we kept the old one. Got this down from the loft and my belt, the one I've had for about 18 years, snapped, half way back down the loft ladder. Nothing lasts for long these days,does it? LOL

The belt is British, and has lasted 18 years. The kettle is made in China, and lasted 6 weeks (2nd replacement). Just goes to prove British is best!

Okay got the cup of tea made, had the Anadins, took a Vitamin C tablet (which I've laid off with recently because of that pain in the Left hand side and I tried to eliminate most things to see what was causing it).

Then came the Decision. I rang up work to say I wouldn't be going in tonight or tomorrow. Sleep needed! Oh, and that I feel really really lousy.

Thats cost me about £100 aftter stoppages. at the moment, couldn't care less, although I know I'll regret it payday.

And the Big Thing about today? well, I rang the Wise One at work to inform her of my (coragous) decision in not working. She is now really concerned, bearing in miind the secret tablet episode yesterday. She thinks that it's my brain, not my body, playing up. The Depression is a big issue in our house, as I knew it would be. The son has been told, because he was different with me last night as well.

Why did I have to leave those tablets on the table yesterday?

After ringing the Wise One at work, I had to go to Fakenham to get petrol. Drove all the way thyere with the windows closed and heater on in beautifully strong sunshine. Lovely - at last I was warm!

And now, I've had a brilliant idea. I'm going to be a scriptwriter!

I shall take my daily life, write it up, like I've done here, and submit it as a script for Mr Bean!! Many riches await me!! Well, you get lots of money for being unique, don't you? And no-ones life's more unique than mine!

Until Tomorrow
Paul
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Tuesday 24 April - Repair Process Started

Well, as the Teenage One is down with some kind of Lurgy and had to go to the doctors today, I thought I'd gatecrash the surgery with her. Might as well do 2 appointments together after all!
Well, if you're reading this Big Boy, I did raise the issue of St Johns Wort with the doctor.

Although no specific health issue was raised, we did establish that the chemical compound of SJW is similar to some anti depressants. There are 3 main types of these anti depressants which explains why the SJW works for some, is borderline for others, and doesn't seem to do anything for The Others.

Apparently, I'm one of The Others.

Whats happened here is that I'm going to give the SJW a miss now as I've been given some "proper" anti depressants called Citalopram.(part of the Prozac family). I'm starting off at 10mg, with a three week review. This, in time, will now blow the Life insurance quotes through the roof. I think I'll have to concentrate on clearing the mortgage quicker rather than paying the (higher) Life Insurance. Time will tell.Can't afford to do either at the moment.

And that pain, on my left hand side? We think that my cartiledge around the 12th rib is inflamed so I've got an Xray appointment at the QE sometime. I've eased the pain a little bit over the last couple of days by putting an extra cushion cushion on my chair so I look down on the computer now a bit more. Don't know why, but it seems to help.

And the Teenage One has been confirmed with some kind of throat infection, so she's on anti biotics now. I didn't tell the wife about why I wanted to go to the doctors, but she still knows now.

How?

I left the new tablets on the table, and she looked the name up on the internet. So I've confirmed everything with her, including the pain I'd previously said nothing about. I just can't tell her why I'm "depressed" because I don't know myself. shes already starting to make the connection between me and my mother. I know it's inherited, there's nothing I can do about it.

Didn't say anything because of that old fashioned man thing, you know, not wanting to appear weak in front of The Family. Ah well, all The Family will know now!

Until tomorrow
Paul

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Monday 23 April - 4am - My Sleepings Really Shot!

Oh Humm! Not doing very well with this sleeping lark am I? its 4am, I've been up since quarter past midnight after going to bed, tired, at 10.30pm, and I've walked around the back garden twice now!

I knew this one would be difficult as I can't control it. Stupid sleep!

Making the best of it though - working on one of my web sites, so it is serving a purpose.
Yesterday (Sunday), not a lot to report really. Helped the mother in law clear her loft out as shes having more insulation fitted today, then cut the grass at the back - the wife borrowed a neighbours small lawnmower so she could do the front grass for me.

The mixing with people experiment continued - I spoke to a neighbour properly for the first time ever - I normally only say hello or something - so I am being Socially Responsible and "Socialising". Had a good conversation for about half hour or so.

But if this Socialising is supposed to be making me feel different, its not. But, I'll carry it on for a while, when I think about it, in case something "clicks". At the moment, it's just an empty exercise.

The Teenage One is starting to come down with some kind of Lurgy, so I don't know if she'll be going to school or not today yet.

Oh, and before I forget again, I still haven't had a reply from Its My Market admin yet about our personal message problem - its now starting to get on for 2 weeks. I don't think their contact us button is working either. Oops!

Okay, that's about it. It's now 4.30, I'm going to do another couple of hours or so on the website until the wife gets up (I don't want to go to bed and wake her up now as shes up early enough anyway), then I'll try getting a few zeds for a couple of hours. Alledgedly.

The only thing I've got to do today when I get up is to make an appointment with the doctor - I've still got that pain on my left hand side. Apart from that, I'll take the rest of the day as it comes.

Paul

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Saturday 21st April - Operation "Enforced People Mixing" Completed

Well, I did it. Last night. On my previous posting here I said I had to start mixing with people again. So, at work last night, I ignored my need for isolation and "mixed" with people again.
Its not all it's cracked up to be really, is it? Or maybe its just me.

Do I feel different? No.

But, after writing yesterday, I thought that there's no point in leaving things hanging. I'm lucky, in one respect, that my job gives me good freedom when I'm not busy, and as last night was promised to be quiet, I took the opportunity and mixed.

I spoke to everyone I could and went into places I hadn't been for months, firstly, to prove to myself that I could do it, and secondly to re-open the channels of communication for future mixing exercises.

Although it was good seeing people I haven't spoken to for months, and been made welcome by them, I was painfully aware most of the time though that I was there, well, as part of an experiment really, nothing more. I'd still rather be isolated, on my own, and, prefably, not at work.

Maybe it was my ulterior motive that spoilt the exercise, I certainly wasn't in the groups as a matter of personal interest. It is this sense of detachment that I think sets me apart from everyone else. I just cannot regenerate, or find, this friendship gene in me at all. That "thing" or whatever it is, just doesn't exist in me now.

I just can't relate to people on the friendship level. At all. This detachment is overpowering and acute. Its just not "normal", is it? I am acutely aware that I keep everyone at (more than) arms length.

I may talk, laugh with, and join in with whatever group of people I'm with. But I just cannot let myself belong to that group. I cannot be one of them. Seemingly, for ever.

Maybe it will improve over time and The Experiment continues. Maybe.
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Friday 19th April - Its So Funny, How We Don't Talk Anymore

Text and email - oh, and blog as well - is all we seem to do these days. And with my present moods, I'm grateful that it's socially acceptable not to talk to people anymore.

But it's wrong. And, as part of my cognitive therapy for the moods, it's got to change.
I have two major tasks in front of me now to try and repair, and keep at bay, these black moods .Both of these tasks are really hard, but for different reasons.

The first thing that I have to do on the road to repair is re-learn how to interact with other people. This flies against everything I stand for. Don't get me wrong; I'm certainly not shy or anything silly like that, but my attitude to people in general has been born from experience. I have a negative attitude to people and I'm told that this, in conjunction with my need for isolation, is causing severe damage to myself, and even re-enforcing the moods.

And this started through my business in the 90's, when there wasn't a single day went by without being let down by one of my staff, a customer, or whoever. And that went on for five years.

I don't do socialising anymore, and haven't done so for years. I have a clinical distrust of people, and can't go on with this negative attitude to other people. It's just going to be so hard to change this around.

And the second thing is also difficult, but through different reasons.

I'm going through a stage at the moment of doing, or not doing, things without realising. And forgetting things - like the access code to the office door at work, you know, the one I've used every day for the last 2 or 3 years!

The Family have noticed it, and have started saying things like "I'm losing It" and the such like.
This is simply through sleep deprivation. (I Hope!!) I've tried explaining to The Family, that by 8am Friday, they've had 40ish hours sleep since 8am Monday.

I've had 15 - 17 hours in the same time period, because by 8am Friday, I've only been to bed Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, for an average of 5 hours a day, as oppose to their 8 or 9 hours every night for 4 nights.

No wonder then that I keep doing silly things, like turning on the wrong hob on the cooker when I'm doing The Family's tea, so when they come in, the empty back hob on the cookers red hot, but the pan with the food in on the front hob's stone cold! And the times I've forgotten what they've said to me, or asked me to do something.

So, I've got to improve my sleeping, somehow. Both when I'm working nights, and when I'm off as well, when I can't sleep, and I'm walking around the back garden at 3 in the morning!
Perhaps, just perhaps, when I'm not so tired, I won't be so irritable, or moody.

Both extremely difficult challenges, and, at the moment, I'm not sure whether I'll be able to do either.

But that's the plan any way. And now, to move on.

The main part of the business dies today when the server goes off air. Taking with it my hopes, dreams, hard cash, and cash flow forecasts. Back to the drawing board. I've still got to revamp the main format of the business to business side of things over the weekend, and next week, then I can move onto promoting the retail side of things.

And I will try to start revamping my life, and outlook at the same time. I am down today, perhaps obviously, because the main part of the business has died. My need for absolute isolation, away from everyone, and everything, is paramount.

But, putting everything together, (and being creatively positive here) its time to restart over from scratch. Today is Day Zero. I took a chance and failed, this time, but everything happens for a reason. I just can't find the reason at the moment, but I'm sure it's there somewhere.

Until tomorrow
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Wedenesday 18th April - Starting Over

Thanks again for the support yesterday guys. You're all brilliant out there. Big boy, once again, you made me laugh!

But these experts say, working under the law of attraction, that you attract into your life what you think about most of the time. So, if I concentrate on sheer, abject poverty, for example, that's what I'll get.

Thoughts become actions. Actions become your character. Your character becomes your Destiny.

Problem is, is that it's difficult to concentrate on anything else when your backs to the wall all the time.

Thats everyday, 7 days a week.

Anyway, lets change the subject! CAB - you've noticed the change as well in my postings - I think this must be the acceptance stage. Now I've given up the biggest part of the new business (and lost most of my members now), its just there - hanging - not doing anything until I can get around to reformatting the whole idea and concept. And I'm working on ideas now as I'm reloading the site back up.

I'm still, with difficulty, trying to change my attitude on a conscious level. That positive action, combiened with acceptance of what's happened has happened, and the tablets(!) are all working together and lightening my load, as it were, have at the same time taken away a lot of pressure on a day to day basis.

And that can only be a good thing. Long term though (and here I go again), I must get more cash into the house. And the original point of this still stands. I don't have a degree, and can't therefore, get a job paying paying £50,000 to release the £34,000 a year household expenses.
But I'm enjoying the enforced holiday, a breathing space, while I get my act together. I'm still working on the business on a day to day basis, but with the main part of the business now gone, along with the expenses of running it, and the pressure to get cash in to meet the bills, has eased the Urgency of it all.

And its the urgency of my life that drives me to the wall sometimes. I may have lost this battle, and face with it, but I have not surrended the war. No way.

Big Boy, I note what you've said about the St Johns Wort - thanks for the advice. I'm still in pain on my left side and I'm going to the doctors next week when I'm off, so I'll ask about the SJW at the same time. It may be that he'll prescribe something again, but my only concern with this is that my life insurance, when I can afford it, will go through the roof.

And that brings us back to The House and The Mortgage. Life does go around in circles, doesn't it?

Until tomorrow - and thanks again guys - you're all brilliant
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Tuesday 17th April - You Become What You Think About Most Of The Time

Thanks for the encouragement again yesterday Letty and CAB - your kind thoughts are really welcome.

The experts are right you know, sometimes (!), when they say blogging is a good way of keeping a diary. It's amazing how I'm getting friends on here who I don't know, never met or anything.
And other experts warn that you become what you think about most of the time.

Just to let you know that I've also emailed IMM Admin about our Personal Messaging problems - I did this yesterday - its strange how some of us get some messages, but most of us get nothing at all.

Okay, onto today. Had a little bit of an upset yesterday after doing my blog because the cheque I paid in last week hadn't cleared in the bank yet. This was a US Dollar cheque (check as the Americans say) and, for those that haven't dealt with foreign cheques, the bank sends them onto a big clearing house somewhere after you pay them in and send a letter to you when the cheque clears. Fine. The only difference is that, with a foreign cheque, the cleared balance doesn't automatically go onto your account like a normal one. It can take up to 10 days.

So, I've had to have a sub of my employers against next months wages to pay the last of this months bills, which, I suppose, isn't so bad really considering all the overtime I'm doing this month.

Well, it means that we've kept The House for another month. It will have it's revenge this weekend though as the grass wants cutting again, back and front, so that's another 3 or 4 hours of my life this weekend.

Still working on the attitude, still trying to change my way of thinking. I've increased the St John'sWort to the maximum level yesterday to try and get my head around things.

"You become what you think about most of the time". I'm trying to think about how things should be, not as they are now.

Until tomorrow
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Monday 16th April - Trying To Change The Attitude

And not doing very well at the moment! But, am trying so hard now to STOP being the victim of my life

I must admit though, I'm not doing very well at the moment with it.

Just nipping off around the local post office now to charge up my prepaid master card to pay the hosting fees for my shop web site, then withdrawing what I can from the business account to pay towards the last of this months (payable) bills.

Back at work tonight after having just Sunday night off this week to recharge the old batteries - I have been so tired last week. And, no doubt, I'll be tired this week too. Updating the B2B membership site is coming on slowly and I hope to have this revamped site on line by the weekend.

Just started telling the few members I have left today that the main site is coming down at the end of the month. See, I can admit failure in writing!! I've put the doctors off until next week when I'm off again, at the moment, THAT pain has mellowed, probably as a result of getting some sleep.

Paul
This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Friday 13th April - I Owe, I Owe, Its Off To Work I Go

thanks again for your support yesterday guys, it means so much! I am getting so much unmitigated crap at the moment, its unreal. Sympathy not required please.

Well, it's certainiy Friday the 13th! I've just had to give the mortgage company a right a*se kicking because the repossession papers/court papers came through today.Got them when I got up this afternoon after last nights shift.

Thats despite, don't forget, reaching a formal agreement with them AND making the first payment on the new, agreed schedule. Ahead of time. All £850 of it. The operator who answered the phone, and took the brunt of my call, agreed that there's no action coming. Yet more incompetance from a big company. HOW do they get away with it.

The letters, one each for me and my wife, have certainly put the dampers on the day for me. After talking to the mortgage place, I've requested a formal letter off them, confirming that no action is being taken, and have hidden, for the time being, the papers away. No point in spoiling The Family's weekend for no need, is there?

Like I said last week, IF I was single and on my own, the mortgage company would have had the keys back ages ago. I have no interest in the house at all, and I'd happily resettle in a bedsit somewhere.

Stupid people. Stupid mortgage company. And, of course, stupid, unwanted house. And mortgage.

But, I am head of The Family, and must pull all stops out to look after them.Its part of being a man.

I am still upset over the decision the House forced me to make earlier this week, and the letters today, well, that just tops the lot really. The emails from my friend, the web master are truely gut wrenching and she's saying all these nice things about me which I don't deserve. I have pulled out of our business deal that she was depending on. And wrecked her hopes and business as well as my own. It's going to take a long time for me to get over this.

On the same subject, sort of, I've "Volunteered" for 36 hours overtime this month, and I'm spending 3 holiday days from my entitlement to get some more cash in. That's another weeks wage this month. Ish. For the House you understand.

And the first overtime shift is tomorrow night. And I'm so tired and worn out already. I keep thinking that, when it's all over, it will be worth it. I just can't believe what I think.

Anyway, nothing more to say really, other than that, somehow, I've got to get to the doctors sometime, somehow, next week. I've got a pain that starts at the bottom of my ribs, on my left hand side, that is a dull ache and has spread upto my shoulder, up my neck, and up my left side of my head. Anadin Extra only takes the pain away for an hour or so. Despite this being on my left side (think heart), I'm not unduly concerned because I've had it before, and simply put, it's a stress pain.
Its not psychological either, because my stricture swelled up like crazy on Wednesday and wouldn't go down. So I couldn't eat for 24 hours or so. Not that I'm hungry anyway.

One day, this will be worth it. I WILL pull through this, get rid of all the crap in my life and just be normal. Can't wait. Enjoy your "normal" life guys, I'm so jealous.

Thanks for "listening" guys. Sorry I'm so angry
Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45

Thursday 12th April - Its Gone For Ever

Well,I won't forget yesterday for a long, long time to come. The constant need for more money all the times means that I cannot be satisfied with life as it is. That makes it my job to make really heart wrenching decisions

The financial situation here has forced me to drop one of my main businesses. Oh, Okay, theres other things involved as well but finance is the main reason.

It's not so much my pride that's been hurt here, but the fact that I've let other people down because of this decision is unforgiveable.

Anyway, the worst is done. I certainly don't want to have to do it again. I've managed to help persuade my web master to carry on for a while longer at least anyway. My new retail site is safe.

My decision has forced my web master to seriously consider her options too. Let me introduce you to her: she's a lovely, professional lady who is disabled and depends on what comes through the door to live. In over 4 years of trading on line, I've never "met" anyone whos as honest, reliable and dedicated. I've never seen her, met her or spoke to her, but you just know with some people, don't you?

I've told her that she'll always have a special place in my heart because she has broke all records getting this demanding, server draining, time consuming business on line for me.

Anyway, what shes going to have to do is move everything onto one server, after closing a lot of her marketing groups down to make room. Because the groups use email , the servers are under constant heavy use and the only way she can run a business and host her other sites, including my retail one, is by closing a lot of the groups down, otherwise the server would just wouldn't handle things and keep crashing.

Hours and hours of work for her. What I've said this morning after getting her last email is that I'm going to really start promoting my new site as hard as I can, not least of all because I act as agent for her hosting and web design services, and I know she is an excellent web designer. In other words, I'll help her by helping me.

I'm just pleased, if anything can be retrieved from this sad, sorry mess, is that, firstly, she is going to carry on,and secondly, that my new retail site is safe. Otherwise, if she had stopped trading totally, I would have had to re-upload my new site to a another company's server after transferring the web (domain) name back into the UK.

I don't know how much money I've lost yesterday, certainly not without going through the accounts. It's at least £2,500-3000, since September. Don't get me wrong, it was a good decision at the time, but within 6 weeks of starting, Paypal decided email marketing was in contravention to it's terms of use and told me to stop selling the service using Paypal.

Bearing in mind that the vast majority of businesses on the net are part time, and are run by people who will only use Paypal for business and internet use. If Paypal refuse to process payments, then, it doesn't matter to them, but it takes a lot of little businesses down.
And that's what happened. And I can only afford high server charges for a certain time out of wages. I'm not saying the business would have been a brilliant success with Paypal support, but it was at least manageable, and viable. Now, it's nothing.

Okay, moving on. I've still got two businesses up and running. I'm revamping my business to business site now, aiming to get ths done over the next 10 days, and then I'll concentrate on making the retail one really successful. I've just submitted the new site to the top 50 search engines, including Google and Yahoo, so, when it does get fully listed, that will start bringing in some cash. All cash taken will be re-invested in advertising the business offline.

Thanks everyone for your concerned comments. Simon, I sent you my personal email address over the weekend through IMM's personal messaging service - did you get it OK? Looking forward to those caravan photos!! Letty, I'll aiming to do your survey tomorrow.

I'll try and be more upbeat tomorrow. At the moment, life is, and i feel, s*it.I've just this second had another email from my web host. She tells me she's blessed that I've found her. Why I don't know.

Paul

This original posting, including any replies, can be found at:http://www.itsmymarket.com/blogs/knightrider45