Two weeks since I've last blogged

Where, exactly does time go, and why does it go so fast? Even more to the point, why can't we get time back?

Okay then, what have I been up to? Truth is, I've been really busy over the last fortnight with one thing and another.

Firstly, my ebay book sales have started to take off now, at last! I'm selling an average of one of a day now, really need to get it up to four though to make it pay off. Good start though.

So, I'm checking my emails when I get home from my nightshifts, and if there's a sale, I'm getting up an hour earlier to print, make up and post out the order.

I've finally managed to get to Fakenham Market to see my friend about running a stall. The friend introduced me to the market superintendant (thanks Sally) and we discussed business whilst walking around the bottom end of the market. Not bad at ten – twenty pounds for the day, depending on where I end up being placed on the morning.

There's a realistic chance of a profit there, so I'm gearing up to start here around the 20th of next month after getting some stock and a stall (prefably) behind me. Just depends on what I pick up from payday I guess. Stall or no stall, I've got to start trading soon.

The recession's started biting into our family already – my son who works in a brasscasters has had his hours cut, at least for the time being, or so they said.

I did start a shop here on IMM – but I guess I must have breached their conditions or something because IMM deleted it – 6 hours work down the pan. Perhaps I ought to start an update blog and putting the books on there instead – IMM, do you mind?

Medically, a bit of a temporary set back. Apparently some law has changed and my chest tablets which help me with the breathing now can't be sold over the counter. I've found a single chemist that's still selling their stock though, but it's one hell of a drive, completely out of the area to get them. I got permission from the pharmacist in the end to buy two boxes at once, so I'm okay for the next month until I can get to see the doctor. Went to see one doctor on Friday afternoon but he couldn't do anything then, certainly without talking to “my” doctor first, who wasn't there. And it was half past five on a Friday which was the earliest I could get to see him. No prescription, nothing. Ended up with a wickedly tight and occasionally painful chest all weekend, which woke me up once one night because I couldn't breathe.

Saturday night saw me and my House Manager attend a friends 60th birthday party on the estate where we live – stayed there from 6.30pm to 10pm then went back home. That is the first party I've attended in what, 15 years, (apart from my own 40th that is – but I didn't know anything about that until I got there!). I guess you could say I'm not really the party type – regular readers of the blog know why!

So, I'm keeping on keeping on. Need to really, because the Mortgage is now costing me £33.27, every single day, for ever. That's how much I need to earn every day in addition to my normal wages.And tonight, Monday, is the first of 7 twelve hour night shifts, so with the travelling, I'd have worked close on 100 hours in a week by next Monday morning at 7am. And still it doesn't stop there.......

Monday 31st March - Back Garden finished!

Doesn't it look lovely -and not a single blade of grass in sight! This is how I've spent the majority of this weeks holiday!

The driver confirmed yesterday morning that he'd dropped off eight and half ton of shingle at the front of our house.

And I've shifted that eight and half ton from the the front of the house to the back garden myself. By myself. Working Tuesday, the day after Bank Holiday, when the gravel was delivered, 12 hours Thursday, starting at 5.30am because I couldn't sleep, and finally, all day Friday, Saturday & Sunday, finishing it at 9pm last night.

I'm glad it's done and finished, and wouldn't like to do it again.

I've had to have tomorrow off work because I've really upset my stomach ulcer and stricture doing the garden, and the stricture has swelled up like crazy, and although it's calmed down today because I'm off the gardening, the pain, and acid, is still there. Feels like I've got a pebble stuck in my gullet that won't move up or down, and really really swells up when I go to bed as I lying down flat.

Solution? Very little sleep. Hopefully, everything will be back to normal tomorrow. Then I can start to go bed as normal as well.

The Volvo has been repaired at a cost of £60 and we got that back last Thursday after that breakdown (see previous blog), which again meant I couldn't get up to Fakenham Market to see a friend about a stall. Today, and for the next 2 days, I'm concentrating on the business again. At last.

So why did I put myself through all this? Firstly, I don't want to waste my time cutting the grass every Sunday like I had to last year. Especially as the Household deems it to be my job and I don't (didn't) get any help. I now have Sunday afternoons free without the lawnmower millstone around my neck. (Although I haven't sorted the front garden out yet, but that only takes an hour to cut & edge - that'll be done next year.)

I can spend the time, much better, working on the business, and my future.Earning money from either the business, overtime, or a part time job to pay the mortgage. Middle daughter, although liking what I've done, still can't understand why I've done it.

As I said to her, if I live for another 20 years, getting rid of the grass problem gives me 3 and half years life back, which is what I would have spent cutting the grass ( 7 hours a week, 48 weeks a year, multiplied by 20 years).

The wife and kids still think I'm lazy though for getting rid of the grass all because I can't be a*sed to cut it every week. But, I'm preparing for the future as well - because when that day comes and my lungs won't work properly any more - we won't have to employ someone to cut the grass.

But in the meantime, I'm now gaining extra time every week. Brilliant!

Sunday 22 March - Love is in the air - but the taxi won't get me there!

Pitch black darkness, approaching Great Massingham. Final T Junction before turning right into Massingham. The car had died at 30mph and we were sliding broadside towards the junction, without lights.

I'm pleased to report that the romance between my daughter, the Teenage One and First proper boyfriend (FPB) is still going strong and I am happy, for the most part anyway, to help Cupid on his cause by playing Taxi for my daughter, taking her to FPB's house.

Then picking her up again after a few hours.

And that's what I was doing last night when the Volvo's SRS warning light flashed on on the dashboard for a few seconds, before going off again again. I collected the Teenage One and we were making our way back home last night in the snow when the car started dying.

Gradually, over a period of ten minutes, the lights started getting dimmer and dimmer until, finally, it died on us.

At 30 mph in a dark country lane, approaching a T junction because I had to brake sharply to slow down for the junction which was covered in snow, and without lights I couldn't see the road signs.

We ended up sliding broadside down the lane towards the junction in the snow as the car finally, totally died. Thank God there was no one else around at the time. I did manage to stop the car though before we overshot the junction - thank you advance driver training!

Although I did manage to stop the car in time, it was just in time, because we'd stopped bang on the junction, straight, facing the proper way, by "snookering" the car along the verge.

Thank God!

We stayed at the junction in the rapidly freezing car for almost two hours, before we were rescued by an excellent mechanic working for Tears on behalf of the RAC. Cars kept coming past us, and every time they did I had to put the hazard lights on so they wouldn't smack into us.

Thank you RAC, and thank you Mr Tears Mechanic, sorry I didn't ask your name, you were both wonderful.

We got back home at about quarter to one this morning, frozen to the bone. The car is sitting in disgrace outside the house.

But at least we got back home. And the Teenage One has learned a valuable lesson. I have told her loads of times that I don't want her staying out too late, especially when her mum's picking her up. Because cars break down - and it's not nice, especially for a woman on her own (sorry for the sexism, ladies) stuck in a broken down car in the middle of nowhere in darkness.

Now she knows why.

And if you were one of the cars that drove past me and the daughter last night in a green Volvo at the Rougham Road junction - thanks for keeping your distance. There was a pretty scared 15 year old little girl in the car with me.

And there endeth my Easter story for this year.

Thursday 20th March- Spring Eqinox starts the infestation

This year the Spring Equinox coincides with the beginning of Easter, so this year, the Special Event brings with it the usual infestation of caravans.

For those who aren't into it, the Spring Equinox, which occured this morning at 5.18am, means that there is exactly the same amount of daylight and night in the 24 hour period.

Magickally, (spelt correctly, with the 'K') this is the most powerful day of the year, symbolising new starts, new chapters, and periods of increased growth, power and new beginnings.

But this year, it also starts our usual infestation of Caravans, which, because of the early Easter, has also started early.

Complete with the usual traffic hold ups, slow drivers, accidents, traffic jams and so on.

But you've got to feel sorry for these people who can't afford a proper holiday this year. They've rushed home from work, packed the two wheeled tin can and driven for miles, just to park it up in a field somewhere.

There they'll stay for two or three days in the howling wind, heavy rain, and snow on Sunday. Then on Monday afternoon, they'll do exactly the same thing in reverse and drive home, ready for work on Tuesday morning.

Which means the roads will be grid locked on Monday afternoon as well. Fortunuately, working nights, I've missed the predicted Nationwide gridlock at 12pm dinner time (Lunch time in Norfolk) today as I was in bed.

And I'm off on Monday as well, so I've missed that gridlock as well.

Caravanners - you've got to feel sorry for them, haven't you?

Wednesday 18th March - Son getting ready to leave home

The day had to come, didn't it? The day I've been secretly dreading for the last 18 years or so since I first got him when he was just 10 years old.

We've had our ups and downs, me and B., and after the big re-adjustment period I guess every step family has to go through, and the adoption & name changing, we became the best of friends.

In the past, we've done everything together and became really close, from working together on the cars through to me and him, alone, working the markets and car boots in the Midlands. Both of which we did in all weathers, with B. taking a good share of the market takings, because he was always hungry.

But now, those days have gone. The angelic looking, but actually acting the opposite, little boy is now a man. Over I guess the last 5 years or so he has started to go his own separate way, and is now out most of the time anyway.

But the bond between us is still there, it's just not that apparent any more. And now I have to do the parent thing and let him go. Underneath all the bravado I feel that, rather than this being his own conscious decision, he is the butt of taunts at work and in the pub because he's still at home at 28.

But, I feel his genuine excitement for his new adventure with him, and for him.

The house was strangely quiet after the girls went, but the father-son bond didn't exist then. It does now. I think I'm going to have a much harder time with my son leaving than I did with the girls.

I have accepted the fact that the best days of my life - when I was a "proper" parent to "proper" kids - not the growed up sort they've obviously turned into - will never come back again.

But, God, I wish they would. Every single second of them.

Saturday 15th March - Another week gone then

Time keeps flying by, doesn't it? OK, what have I been up to this week then?

First off on Tuesday, there was great tribulation in the Household when the heating oil was delivered - quickly followed by chronic disappointment because the boiler again packed up.

Engineer called out on wednesday - repair done, the boiler has (again) been serviced and (don't tell the wife!) I've got him to turn down the internal settings because I'm really really fed up with the boiler using three months (500 Litres) of oil in, this time, 5 weeks and 6 days. Abysmal. So settings have been turned down, new jets fitted and it's been serviced - now we just wait to see.

Did my three night shifts Mon,Tues and Wednesday. Was going to see a friend on Fakenham Market Thursday about setting up my own stall, but I couldn't get up in time after working the Wednesday night shift.

Sold two books on eBay, one about Lung Disease and the other about Bi-Polar Disorder (I'm expert in both, unfortunately)and, apart from those sales, nothing else.

Friday I spent on the computer, set up another web site page, and this has already started working - I've now got 5 new members on my mailing list. The objective here is to build the list up to 1,000 members by the year end, and by averages, those members will each spend £2.00 monthly providing I can keep dishing out the deals - again it's business to business, so we'll wait and see on that score as well.

Today I've spent out in the garden, half the back gardens now levelled and grass free - see, I'm determined I'm not going to be cutting the grass every Sunday this year!

And tomorrow, Sunday, two of the daughters are coming around for belated Mother's Day celebrations, and I'm putting together a leaflet to mailshot local businesses to build up the physical side of the business here.

Oh, and I'm still short of money this month as well!!

Sunday 9th March – We must make time and endeavour to protect ourselves. (Blog 2 of 2)

I love these war speeches. Mainly because I feel I'm at war with my life most of the time.

But, when everything's stalemate, like it is now, it gets really hard to stay focused.

Ok, here we go. The 9 hours I spent the other day advertising have come to nothing. In answer to Kim's question, the deal was a trade package of some of the books I'm dealing with at the moment. I did the advertising the best way I knew how, with search engine optimisation (making the web site search engine, & especially Google, friendly), and sending emails out through the safelists I had to rejoin to do so.

I only got ten hits on the web site as a result of the hard work I did, and no sales.

So, I'm considering options, including paying a few companies to send the adverts out for me so I can spend my time, better, doing other things. Like working the markets, and putting a package together and doing a bit of repping. Designing mail shots for sending out. Anything to drag some funds in.

I am on a pinnacle at the moment, with everything precariously balanced. And, if I lose it now, I'd have ruined everything in the future, or at best, severely delayed all my plans. I must, for example, keep the mortgage upto date in order to be able to raise enough funds at the end of this year by remortgaging to pay the bills next year as I pack up my job and go full time in the business.

With 12 months bill money in advance in the bank, I will be free to build up the business and generate cash to fund my second year in business in 2010. I've got to build the business up from absolute loss as it is now, relying on funding from my wages, to turning over at least £27k a year just to meet the household bills.

But, over the last few years, I've learned a few lessons. Like the fact that it's impossible to build up a business on the net alone – the web site has to be the final (money collecting) stage of the business plan – not the first. Secondly, the internet is Americanised – and everywhere I seem to turn it's American. Not much chance of a small English firm building itself up, having started from scratch. The two main exceptions to big internet only firms I know are eBay and Amazon – but there again, they're American owned as well. Proves the point doesn't it?

Our firms like Tesco, Argos and the like wouldn't be as big as they are now if they'd relied totally on the internet. Because people expect everything free off the net. Because Internet use is not as major as people hype it up to be – if memory serves me right, a business report in the EDP said that something like 43% of Norfolk businesses still don't have a web site – or is it just Norfolk? It's my market only have 3 or 4 active bloggers now – all the other blogs are inactive. Proves the point again.

And I can't afford the thousands of pounds it costs to advertise my web site on television or radio. It doesn't look like radio advertising works here either – IMM is being advertised 24/7 and the activity here is so low, despite all the advertising.

So, I'm rethinking everything, and my life, through next weekend when I'm off. I am not allowing myself to fail, or to be forced into a lifestyle I do not want, nor need. I owe it to myself and my family to pull this whole situation around, and fast. And I'll be making new plans to do this next weekend.

And you know what? I'll do it!

Sunday 9th March – We must make time and endeavour to protect ourselves. (Blog 1 of 2)

I'm still marketing the business – I've opened up an ebay shop and a shop on IMM as well. I'll concentrate on getting both shops up and running over the next few weeks.

I'm aiming to start working the markets next month, having built up stocks of my books and stuff this month.

I'm practicing dealing with the unexpected – which goes some way to explaining why I was stuck in the Ladies loos this afternoon at work. My office had run out of paper towels, and having worked out how to open the dispenser, I elected to raid some from the ladies loos, as ladies tend to have loads of everything in their toilets don't they? Only problem was that the paper towel dispenser in the ladies opens differently, and it took me ages to work out to open it to get the towels. I guess I was stuck in the ladies for about 20 minutes! Good job it's a quiet Sunday day shift!

And I've shored up my back garden fence ready for the promised gales tonight!

I'm trying to deal with my extreme shortage of time. Yesterday, for example, I was up at 5am, after another disturbed nights sleep, left home for work at 6.15, getting there for 7am. After the 12 hour day shift, I got home at 7.45pm. After a quick cup of tea, I filled the car up with rubbish from the back garden so I could dump it in the skip at work, then shored up the back garden fence. After having my tea afterwards (about half eight!) I went through the s*it, shower, shave and shampoo routine to save doing it this morning, did my pack up as well, and went to bed at half ten. At least I know where my time goes – I just need 28 hours in a day, not 24!

And todays going to be much the same almost, except for the fact that my shift's have changed to nights tomorrow through unforeseen circumstances so that gives me a bit more time tonight. Not much more though. But at least I haven't got to get up at 5am tomorrow.

I shall work through my business and life plans next weekend when I'm off and go from there. Until then, I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I know I'm almost £600 short in my wages this month to meet all the bills I'm expected to pay this month. And it'll be worse next month when the new council tax bill drops through the letterbox. I'm still paying off last years at the moment. And the car tax is due next month as well.

I cannot be satisfied with my life until all the bills are paid on time, every month, and I can become the recluse I urgently need to be and work from home all the time. If I came home tonight, knowing that I would not be stepping outside the front door again, for anything, for the next five years, (when I'd review it) I'd be really happy and glad that my life was, again, coming back under my control.

And those two options alone are the only things driving me forward. I know I'm sad, but I can't help feeling the way I do. You see, this is the way I've felt for years.

Friday 7th March - Starting Over

The urgent need for additional income has forced me out of depressed idleness and I've put up another, new web deal today, having started it last night and have been advertising all day since I got up this morning at 6.30am.

Which means I've been working solidly at the computer for just under 9 hours at the moment and I'm bored and tired.

But I did sell one of my own books on ebay yesterday, so my new publishing career looks as though it's starting to take off now as well. Hopefully.

So let the adventures begin again. Wish me luck!

Thursday 6th March - A total waste of time

Day off yesterday, wanted to do so much, but in the end ended up doing nothing at all.

This black mood has really got me in it's grips now. Got up yesterday at half eight, fed the cat, had a cup of tea and my normal breakfast (two Anadin Extra), checked my emails and stuff, got some toast and put the telly on whilst I ate to watch the news.

The postman woke me up at 1pm when he knocked the door.

So, with exception to going to Boots for some of my chest tablets after the wife got back home, I didn't do anything.

And, as I'm back on days today starting in just over an hour, that's two days I've wasted then.

Always tomorrow I suppose.

Monday 1st March - Withdrawal Symptoms?

Trying to come off the anti depressants seems to be a really bad idea at the moment.

true, I did tell the doctor that I didn't think they were making much difference to me, but now, having cut the dose down and going without them for a couple of days, I am beginning to notice the difference they DID make.

First off, I can't sleep again - for two days running, I've been up at 3am, going back to bed at 4.15, and then, this morning, I was up again at half one and stayed up until about 4am. Unbelieveable!

And then of course, there's the fact that I'm edgy, constantly irritable, constantly tired, and in general, just can't be arsed to do anything. And I've wasted so much time doing nothing really.

Except for yesterday when I was outside for 7 hours, starting off with washing the car, putting up a fence panel that had AGAIN blown down in the high winds a couple of days ago, and afterwards, just bagging up rubbish and tidying the garden. After keeping all the wood to one side, I've got a two piece suite into 10 black plastic rubbish sacks.

And the best thing about the weekend was that I've just finished another book for selling, having started it at about 2am this morning.This one's about childhood Autism. So I'm up to 12 books now that I publish, print and sell myself. I'm really hoping to start working on the markets in the beginning of May and really kicking this business's ass into profit.

I got so fed up with myself today that I took two of the anti depressants. They took about an hour to kick in, and today's not been too bad since. I still haven't been to the doctor's yet - couldn't get in this week - so I'm hoping to review things this Wednesday.

And in the meantime, it's back to work tomorrow, on days. And talking of work, remember my blog a couple of weeks ago - about the niave procedures where I work? My workplace is also registered with MI6 as a terrorist target. The same as Bacton Gas Terminal.Which caught fire last week.

Moral of the story (again) - just because nothing's happened, it doesn't mean it never will! But, I'll just keep on keeping on and just conforming.

Saturday 1st March – I Cast You Out!

Mother Nature at her most powerful, most supreme and certainly most dangerous. Welcome to my nightshift!

The wind, at it's peak at just before 3.30 this morning, was (constantly) gusting at 78mph, according to my wind measurement station at work. The rain had stopped at 2.15am and that's the time I decided to get some of my checks done, so I could at least keep dry!

The power of the wind was devastating and had earlier blown a plastic bin top against the office window with some force, and I was surrounded by the winds evidence as soon as I left the office. Rubbish and polythene everywhere, including being wrapped around the top of lamp posts.

Whilst doing my checks, the wind mysteriously stopped blowing for about 20 minutes. The silence was eeerily disturbing – totally unreal, especially as it was so sudden as well. The sudden silence lasted for about 20 minutes I guess and came back with brute force as I was walking alongside the River Ouse – about half way through my checks.

Then the poltergeist effects started. All of a sudden I was surrounded by a funnel of dead leaves from the ground up, street lights were flickering on and off, and with the howling wind, two or three slamming doors and windows which, because someone couldn't be a*sed to lock them properly, were all opening and slamming shut themselves in the wind. The swell on the river was spectacular, helped along by the wind,so in addition to everything else sounding off around me, I had the sound of the waves slamming into the bank as well. And all the time walking into a 78 mph head wind.

Totally unreal. And, if I'm honest, unnerving occasionally as well, because I was concentrating on not being hit by roof tiles, industrial chimneys and general rubbish at the same time.The darkness of some areas down by the river doesn't help either really.

And then, all of a sudden, the wind stopped again, dropping everything it was carrying straightaway.
Leaves, plastic things and polythene quickly landed where they were dropped. Again, sudden silence. This silence only lasted for two or three minutes though this time, and I had the howling gale for company all the way back to the office.

Maybe the next Hollywood horror film director ought to come to Kings Lynn for his visual effects!

Monday 25th February – It's Good News Week

That's a sarcastic heading if ever I saw one!

So, that's another week gone by then. First off, my black moods have come back and I'm sunk, hopefully going to be able to get to see my doctor later today. The Mood has got really bad over the last three or four days for some reason.

Everything's too much effort, I don't want to do anything, but I don't want to sit and do nothing either. Headaches are haunting me like crazy. I don't want human contact but at work last night, it seemed as if everyone wanted to talk to me everywhere I went – not the ideal thing is it? I don't want to go out, for any reason, seemingly for ever at the moment.

The TerrorGate Scandal at work has, as predicted, died a silent death. When that ANC van rushed past me I thought that that alone would seal the fate of the old ways, born of the 1930's. But no, it seems as if “it's just one of them things” and, now the shouting and Major Procedures have died down, the importance of the whole thing has, well, just gone with it. Pathetic.

I've starting setting up my ebay shop to run alongside my web site, and by Wednesday last week, I'd sold £700 worth of laptops. Apparently. Two were brought by someone in Nigeria, and the third one was brought by someone in Germany, who wanted it shipping out to his sister in – guess where? Yes, you got it - Nigeria.

These scrotes obviously think I'm thick. I've reported them to ebay – and paypal – and their ebay accounts have been suspended. Problem is though, as soon as fake bids are received, the ebay auction closes down, as it thinks the items have been sold. That cost me almost a tenner – and ebay replied to my complaint yesterday saying that they're not crediting me with the insertion fees although the auctions were closed by fraudulent bids. That's a tenner in smoke for nothing. I just hope these Nigerian scammers (not the word I would have originally used!) die a long slow painful and lingering death somewhere.

The neighbour's fence dispute has escalated in that he's now brought the land we were using so I've got to clear all our rubbish off it, as soon as, because he want's to fence his “New” land. That's an extra day's work for me as a result.So I'm in the garden tomorrow. Thanks Neighbour.

I've done that budget last week as well – see, I said I would! But it's already blown out the water because I've had loads of bills this week. On the budget, I need to bank £66 per day, 365 days a year, which means I've got to earn £100 a day, forever. This £36,500 I need to earn this year is nothing to do with debt though – apart from the mortgage – it includes literally everything I can think of for the house and business – and that's only just treading water, breaking even and standing exactly where I am now.. And as I only earn £20-21, 000 with (lots of) overtime, you can see my problem straight away can't you?

Oh, and last weeks bills – here they are:
Heating Oil - £250/Telephone Bill £230/Poll Tax (missed last months payment) £200/ Electricity bill £138 installment (Missed two months). Everyone's pushing me for money again,so it's got to be paid. That means I've got to find an extra £818 next payday.

Guess I'll just keep on keeping on then.

Thursday 21st February - Here we go (again)

Okay, as predicted, that crappy, outdated work procedure has struck again - yet another drive through - on MY shift this time.

I seem to be getting the pooh hiting the air extraction unit from all directions at the moment!

Here we go. First off - that drive through. Now I'm not going to mention the firms name here, in case you think it's ANC, (oops), but - it happened again.

This silly man, who's never been to my work place before (isn't he lucky?) drove straight through the checking area, again, having tailgated a lorry in.

Again, he was found almost at the rear of the works, without the statutory protection equipment, and breaking all the rules. Again.

Major alert. Phoned my line manager immediately after I had receioved the phone call reporting the driver, who went ballistic, saying that all this crap had got to stop.

Fine. I took the opportunity to remind him that renewed, proper procedures were drawn up by myself four or five months ago and were waiting for him to implement.

The thing is, you see, we don't check the regular vans, companies or drivers. They're just let through and left to their own devices. The procedures used at work say that this is how it's done, and we TRUST drivers who don't know what they're doing to stop and ask.

Back to the phone call, or to be correct, 15 minutes after the phone call, when my line manager came to see me. Having had a few minutes to think about things, he said that he'd have a word with who reported the van man and ask him to keep it quiet.

As simple as that. But I don't want it hushed up or swept under the carpet, I want it shouted about because this incident alone, would show the procedures up for what they really are. Totally ineffective rubbish. But my manager doesn't want procedures changing. He doesn't want the hassle.

So we're, or rather I, have to cope with the aftermath. The other men in the department, as previously said, have severe problems getting up off their chairs. And they're not bothered, just putting it down to "just one of those things".

And it's really infuriating!

The only reason why this wasn't a full blown terrorist alert was because the van was marked up and the company is one of our regular deliveries, unlike last week when the van driver was in a plain white van.

Doesn't it just stink? So if you want to blow up my workplace, just turn up in one of the big names delivery vans. It's simple. You won't be checked out. It's procedure you see.

Onto other things, very quickly. the heating oil AGAIN ran out 6am this morning - one quarters oil has lasted just 5 weeks and 6 days. The wife, who has been in a bit of a mood for the last two months or so, has really accelerated her bad mood as a result. We're almost not talking.

Crap at work. Crap at home. Guess why I'm fed up?

Mon 18th February Part 2 - The Meeting

Absolutely nothing. You just wouldn't credit it would you?

After all the big words, big actions and everything...............nothing's happened.

At all.

And to be honest, I don't even know if the meeting actually happened. No one's said anything to me at all.

Isn't it just a crazy waste of time? But, I intend asking questions directly tomorrow and see what I can find out. If anything. But at the moment, as I predicted, the internal politics have kicked in, and the Scandal has been swept under the carpet.

Stay tuned, I'll update tomorrow, whether I find anything out or not.

Monday 18th February - Big Meeting Day

Thanks for your commets over the weekend Myriad Life - you are so correct. And today is the day of The Big Meeting to determine the outcome of the Scandal, and the management's solutions.

And guess who's on days? Yes - it's me.

So, I'm expecting to take severe flack today at about ten O'clock once the meeting finishes.

Roll on 7 O'clock tonight when the days over. I'll let you know what happens.


Paul

Friday 15th February - St Valentines Day Massacre

There's been a major incident at work. People have started to say the "T" word-
Terrorism.

I work on a fairly large complex, and part of our job involves the controlling of traffic. Some times it gets really busy, stressful, and frantic.

Earlier this week, one of my colleagues on days had a van tailgate a lorry into the site, drive around the lorry that had stopped to be checked in, and carried on driving around the site.

Until he was seen by a manager - and the driver was breaking all the rules at the time, including talking on his mobile phone - in an explosive atmosphere.

the s*it has hit the air extraction unit. A hell of a lot. There has been one major meeting this week, and there's another one scheduled for 9am Monday with my line manager.

We have all been branded a waste of space. But, what gets my back up more than anything from all this, is that, besides being blown out of all proportion, the incident itself could have been avoided.

If only the men I work with would stop being traffic clerks and do the job properly - but that involves movement away from their chairs. But, I've said this before. And nothing's been done.

And I doubt anything will be done this time, once all the shouting's died down.

The van driver could have been a terrorist - that much is true. But the men I work with are all totally innocent of life, despite all of them being in their late 50's and early 60's. Just because nothing's ever happened to them, they think nothing ever will.

And that attitude is just so dangerous - especially given today's troubles and the job we are paid to, supposedly, do.

But I can't do anything. Certainly without telling a few home truths and, being as old fashioned as I am, you don't drop your mates in it. Ever.

And, if you've seen the sheer violence and crime that I've seen,and been involved in, you'll know the atmosphere of innocence I am forced to work in is dangerous.

I'd like to say I'm looking for another job - I certainly feel like doing so - but, if I change my job now, the chances of remortgaging at the end of this year will be slim to non existent.

Ah well, guess I'll just keep on keeping on. but, can you understand why I'm totally peed off?

Tuesday 12th February - Looking for answers, but finding questions.

I'm determined to make sure I stay above the dark depths of my mood as it's started to change again, so I've done a bit of research myself!(As well as upping the old anti depressants of course. (Ssssshhhhhh! - I'm supposed to be coming off them!)

I've managed to put a couple of hours together after my blog last night to go through my collection of pyschological CD's so I could give myself some "therapy" rather than having to go to the doctors one week day afternoon for a few weeks, or months.


And I found a book. This book gives explanations and reasons, as well as coping strategies using a quiz format, so I thought it could be useful for other people who may have some kind of stress disorder. (There's lots of us out there by the way).


Okay, then - Ready? See how many of these questions you answer Yes to. The one condition before answering YES is that the particular question/subject must have applied to you for the last two weeks, without a break. And don't cheat by looking at the meanings before you answer the questions!


Okay - try these first.


1. Do you find yourself constantly sad?

2. Are you un-motivated to do simple things like shower, clean up the house, or make dinner?

3. Do people tell you you're overly irritable?

4. Do you have trouble concentrating?

5. Are you feeling isolated from family and friends even when they are around you?

6. Have you lost interest in your favourite activities?

7. Do you feel hopeless, worthless, or guilty for no reason at all?

8. Are you always tired and have trouble sleeping?

9. Has your weight fluctuated significantly?


The book says: "If you can answer "Yes" to five or more of these questions, you could be suffering from clinical depression. It is important for you to seek out the help of a medical professional whether that be a doctor or a therapist. There are many medications out there that can help with depression."


And the second set:


1. Do you worry constantly and battle with negative selftalk?

2. Do you have difficulty concentrating?

3. Do you get mad and react easily?

4. Do you have recurring neck or headaches?

5. Do you grind your teeth?

6. Do you frequently feel overwhelmed, anxious or depressed?

7. Do you feed your stress with unhealthy habits-eating or drinking excessively, smoking, arguing, or avoiding yourself and life in other ways?

8. Do small pleasures fail to satisfy you?

9. Do you experience flashes of anger over a minor problem?


And the book says this time:

"If you can answer "Yes" to most of these questions, then you do have excessive stress in your life."


This is the third, and final set, of questions:

1. Do you experience shortness of breath, heart palpitations or shaking while at rest?

2. Do you have a fear of losing control or going crazy?

3. Do you avoid social situations because of fear?

4. Do you have fears of specific objects?

5. Do you fear that you will be in a place or situation from which you cannot escape?

6. Do you feel afraid of leaving your home?

7. Do you have recurrent thoughts or images that refuse to go away?

8. Do you feel compelled to perform certain activities repeatedly?

9. Do you persistently relive an upsetting event from the past?


The book says: "Answering "Yes" to more than four of these questions can indicate an anxiety disorder.

Suffering from depression, too much stress, or excessive anxiety can endanger your overall health and it's time to take steps to overcome this - RIGHT NOW!"


And yes, there's no prizes here for guessing most of the last 9 questions definitely apply to me! I think, if you were to go back through my blog since it started, you'll find I've spoken about most of these things at one time or another.


And it takes just one book, amongst thousands, to actually put me, or rather, my behaviour, together. Ah well, I know it's not just me now then don't I? Almost 18 months of blogs - summed up by 27 questions!! And, now, I know I'm "normal", well, for the condition anyway. And you know I'm not talking myself into trying to fit the description - it's definitely a case of the description fitting me.


So, to start correcting this, I'm definitely doing THAT budget I was talking about in yesterday's blog, and after that, I'll start making definite plans to meet the shortfall- both in finance and my life. Here we go.


Facing the fear - but still doing it anyway!

Monday 11th February - Busy, frustrating day

The day has, once again sped past me in a blur. I woke up this morning with a plan of action to get things sorted out today, but, once again, I haven't done much, and what I have done has taken ages to do.

So Frustrated!

I wanted to start advertising today again, but with running out of time, I'm having to put this off until Friday (hopefully - if nothing else happens in the meantime to slow me down even more.)

Onto other things. The dog has gone back home, being collected by Middle Daughter on Friday night/Saturday morning at half past midnight. The house is geting back to normal and the cat is busy reclaiming her territory back.

I waited up until quarter to midnight for her, but there was an accident on her way back, making her late. Having gone to bed, and being woken up three quarters of an hour afterwards, then fighting to get back to sleep made me really tired through Saturday's day shift - I'm glad that day's over because I was fighting to stay awake at 11am - and that was just 5 hours into a 12 hour shift!

But haven't we had beautiful spring weather over the weekend?

It's just a shame that that beautiful weather conflicts with my mood at the moment, which started to take a turn to the black side again on Saturday. I'm fighting myself now because I need to do our budget for this year - but it frightens me to do it, because the shortfall in writing, at this precise moment in time, is something I feel unable to cope with and I just don't want to see it.

Again.

Thursday 7th February - Its a crazy madhouse here

Just getting ready for another 12 hour dayshift and the night here at the Household has been crazy

The ongoing battle for dominance between cat and dog is still ongoing. I thought the cat had packed up and left home yesterday as I couldn't find her all day - but she hadn't, she'd been hidden in the son's bedroom yesterday morning by the House manager before she'd left for work.

The dog, for the last couple of nights, has noticed the cat has vanquished her place in our bedroom as she obviously doesn't consider it safe enough. The dog, normally being shooed out of this cat's domain by either me or the wife, now waits until we're asleep before diving on the bed, waking us both up with a start.

The cat, on keeping out of the dogs way,now walks around the house above ground level, so ornaments, books etc are knocked off shelves as she makes her precarious way around her self imposed assault course.

Except for when the dog has landed on the bed. The cat's favourite trick here is to sit in the doorway, until she's noticed by the dog, who will then start a massive barking session at various stages through the night.

I have to put the dog out to feed the cat, then reverse it to feed the dog - and this was at five o'clock this morning.

I'm sure I can hear the cat giggling you know..................