Wednesday 30th May - Big Letter Day

The scan appointments just come through.

I'm to report to QE outpatients department at 9am, Wednesday 6th June, 9am taking a list of medications and a wee sample with me.

Not sure if I get the results through that day or not, but I'm under the impression they'll send them through to the doctors.

So, I'll ask for your hopes, prayers and good wishes twice my friends if I can. On the day of the scan and on the day of the doctors appointment. This sad case will soon be put to an end.

Paul

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Tuesday 29th May - Struggling a bit today

Well, struggling a lot really. Packing up smokings so hard - but I knew it would be of course.
Yesterday, the first day, I failed miserably. I'm not doing much better today either. As soon as I think I'm stopping, my body seems to go into meltdown. I lasted half hour yesterday before I got severe gut rot.

Just temporary, I know. but I gave in. Today, pretty much the same again. Only using roll ups though - I'm not buying any more fags.

So, I'll start again tomorrow, but instead of treating it as a Final thing, I'm aiming to stop for 24 hours first. try it that way. The best thing about the last two days though is that I have cut down. A lot.

To answer Simon's question, I'm on about 30 a day, but on my first nightshift, it's more like 50, for the first day only. As normal people go to bed at night, I'm just about to start my second half of the day. Then, for the rest of the night, its back to 30 a day.

So, like I say, I'll start again, tomorrow. I must stop, theres no two ways about it. Hard and horrible, but I love life more than the cigarrettes.

Its been exactly a week since I got the xray results, but still no scan dates yet. Hopefully, it'll come through over the next few days. Truth told, I've thought about the scan - or the results more correctly, thousands of times over the last week.

A totally s*it situation, both with life, and home life too. The shadows still hanging over us. Everyone's worried, and we still haven't told the two youngest yet. Often, I've caught my wife just sitting, staring at me.

And it's started to affect my son as well. He'd been crying in his room last night. He's going to his grandads grave for the first time in years on Thursday with his mum.

I just hope that I can pull us all through this. But, at the moment, I just don't know what to say, or do, to make things a little bit better. It's the not knowing I think that's ripping us apart. Because of my family's legacy, I've spoken to all of them over the years about me dying early.

I just don't want it to be now.

Paul

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Sunday 27th May - Still on the crazy shift & Goodbye old friend

Its 5.30am on a rainy Sunday morning and I'm just about ready to go out the door again. Woken up with a headache - again - so I've had my normal breakfast!

2 cups of really strong tea, three anadin extra (two never seem to work with me) and a couple of fags from my last packet.

Yes, todays my last day of smoking, not buying any more fags. Hopefully for ever, but I'll start at one day at time for starters, thank you! I've been smoking since I was 12, occasionally, and I think the dreaded weed finally caught me properly when I was 13.

Not Politically correct to say that these days is it? Especially if I was to say that I've enjoyed every single one of them as well. I've made many close friends through the years through smoking, as it has always been a closed club really, even in those days, when I remember, 10 number 6 tipped cost just 27p! The Smokers Club members, behind the old tech block at school, and down the corridor in George Rose Park, Wednesbury, that took you past the lavs then acted as the back way out of the park, looked after each other then, with a couple of us standing on guard in case of errant teachers!

And yes, I did get caught on a couple of occasions! One time I remember, it was by a Mr Price, the school's head of PE. But as the teachers were on strike when he saw me, (remember the strikes?) he had a strong word with me, but took no further action.

But I am grateful that today's kids are educated better against smoking. Bearing in mind I grew up on a rough council estate in the West Midlands, where EVERYONE smoked. It was just normal, then, for kids to go to school having pinched a couple of their dads Park Drive cigarettes for breaks.

You had to be really strong not to start smoking. I was in a close knit gang (in the old, Enid Blyton sense of the word) and, well, as I said earlier, it was normal back then.

God, I'm going to miss it. You see, I need to pack up, but I don't want to. I think a major battle is forecast. Its been part of my life for so long, and even now, I can't imagine life without a fag.
Talking of major battles, I still haven't had the letter about the scans yet. So I guess that will definately be here this week. I'm really looking forward to closing this certain chapter so I can, God willing, get on with my life. I have so much left to do.

Paul

Thursday 24th May - Life Goes On

There's definately a kind of hush in our house at the moment after the bombshell dropped on me Tuesday by the doctor.

But, two days later, I've had time to think, and readjust. And, perhaps most of all, research.

I am not belittling anything here whatsoever, but I've gone over the doctors conversation, time and time again. What I remember her saying is that I had a small shadow on my last xray, last year sometime as part of my MOT (I make it a rule to have a full MOT, xrays, bloodtests, every year now because of my inheritance).

The shadow was then insignificant, so I didn't have to be told. This year, it's just simply the fact that the same shadow has grown slightly, which is why they want to investigate further.

Researching shows that I don't have any symptoms of the Big C, like weight loss, funny coughs, blood leaking etc, so, on those grounds, I'm putting bad thoughts out of mind. I don't know how long the shadows been there; last year was my first ever xray, but it's obviously been there some time. So, if it was bad, I'd surely have had some symptoms by now, wouldn't I, surely?

So, I'm hoping it's something like astma (I'm sure there's an h in there somewhere), a chest infection, or some scar damage from when I've breathed in stomach acid when I've woken up in the middle of the night choking on it.

But,on the positive side, I'm taking this as a wake up call, so I'm giving up the fags. Don't want to go through this s*it again.

I wasn't going to say anything to the kids until after the scans, but my wife has told the eldest two. The First Little Girl and The Teenage One haven't been told yet. But, there is a big black cloud over our house at the moment.

And I'd never get life insurance at the moment to put things right if it turns out to be something bad. I know the desperate man does win sometimes. Hopefully now, it's my turn to win.

Paul

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Black Tuesday, 22nd May, 2007

I think my families legacy's starting to come true. Had a phone call from my doctor this morning, my wife took the call, and I was called in to see her at 3pm this afternoon. I've just got back
The chest Xray I had last week has given no reason for the pain on my left hand side, so we suspect that the pain is due to inflamed cartiledge.

But the xray did show a shadow on my lung, top left.

I've written here time and time again about the male line of my family dying early, through Heart & lung problems. I just hope that it's not my turn, not yet anyway.

Got to go for another couple of detailed xrays now, not sure whether its the CATSCAN or MRI; can't remember what the doctor told me. Should be inside two weeks though. At best, odds are 50% its innocent, the other alternative 50% I'm not going to even consider.

Nothing else to say really. Antidepressant dose has just been doubled, take the first tablet tomorrow morning before going to bed after tonight's night shift.

I'll remember today forever.

Paul
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Friday 18th May - Debts piling up again

Well, thats my week off come to an end then. With tonights night shift, I'd have worked 53 hours, so I guess that's not bad for a week off really!

Just as well I suppose, with the debt letters coming through the letter box today. I've had car Insurance at £189 something, final demand for the council tax/notice of intended action (Owe them 3 months), the phone bill, another £190, and I think that's about it.

£2,400 worth of demands in one day. That's ontop of the car repairs & MOT - oh, and the car tax as well, all due within 28 days. So, shall we round it up to a straight £2,800. Aren't I lucky?
Time off is a priviledge I can't obviously afford to take.

I'm not going to go over old ground here, but lets just say I'm really peed off today. These letters have really knocked me down again. How is a man supposed to get on in this world of ours? I've just about managed to pay for the mortgage this month, and put a bit of petrol in the car when I got paid, after paying the sub back I had from last month.

Theres about 12 bills I haven't paid. Sky's cut off - again - and the wifes not too pleased, although she's dealing with it better than the last time. Sometimes, no, change that, I'm always, working to pay back debt. Seriously, this can't go on for the next 22 years until THE MORTGAGE is paid off, can it?

Best thing about today? Its nice to see Margaret Thatcher in the UK's top people of all time. Go on Maggie!

Paul

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Thursday 17th May - Thank you QE Xray Dept

I and the wife set off to the QE this morning at 8am, getting there at 8.30am and expecting to spend hours there. What a pleasant suprise in the end!

I know we were early, but when we got there, there were loads of empty car parking spaces, and I'd been booked in, xrayed, and was leaving the grounds inside 40 minutes!

Moral of the tale? If you've got a checkup at QE get there between 7am-8.30am

Thank you QE staff for an excellent, friendly service. I am to report to my GP a week today, onwards, for the results - this will probably be a week on Monday as I'm on nights for the next two weeks, so I can only go and see her on Mondays without having to get up early. I'm aiming to ring her next Monday as well for the anti depressants review.

After the QE visit, I and the wife invaded Matalan to replace my belt which broke a few weeks ago, costing £7.00 (I'm sure my last belt only cost 4s 6d!!), then we toured the Morrisons Emporium. Strange but true fact - this is the first time I and the Wise One have been out together, on our own, for what seems like years.

And that's about it for today, I'm now starting to wind myself up for the nightshift at 7pm (Roll on 7am tomorrow). Thanks for the comment on yesterdays blog Letty - you are quite right - the wife's only looking out for me. It was just that, well, the suddeness really, of how she decided today was The Day. No escape!

She'd even found the doctors letter and kept it in her handbag for a week to make sure I wouldn't "lose it!"

Until tomorrow

Paul
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Wednesday 16th May - So that was my day off!

And it's absolutely flown by. Didn't get up to 10am again, I hate getting up late, it really ruins my day. I know I'm tired, and worn out, but can that be an excuse to waste valuable time?

Haven't done much at all today through being so tired and having a wicked headache that I've still got 12 hours after waking up. So much for catching up with my sleep then!

Broken my heart today as well as I've paid this months mortgage payment, all £865.00 of it!
I've done a bit of work on my business website, I'm now two weeks behind myself, but I'm hoping to get this finalised over the next week, I can then start concentrating on the shopping site.

I didn't get around to making another appointment with my doctor, as I was supposed to have rung up at 8.30 am this morning for an appointment, but I was still in the land of nod then! As my doctor only works three days a week, I've got to wait until Monday to get to see her now.

But I've had a bit of a suprise today, and I don't know where this has come from at all. My wife (the Wise One) has realised that I've missed my Xray at QE, and she has chosen tomorrow as The Day when she is going to frog march me there. So it looks like I'm spending most of the day in QE's outpatients XRay Dept, before spending the night at work.

Well, I'm obviously not going to get much done tomorrow then, am I?

Paul

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Tuesday 15th May - Really Really Busy

Where does time go, and why does it go so fast these days? Its been 5 days since I blogged, and I can't believe its been so long.

I've had to put all plans on hold for a fortnight or so because one of my colleagues at work has gone sick, and with another one soon to start his holiday, its all hands on deck between the remaining staff.

Letty blogged a reply to one of my blogs lately about me trying to get out of going to a barbeque, and she said I really ought to go and give the people socialising thing a go. Well, I thought, ok then, I'd go (thanks Letty) but then, I had a phone call..........

I ended up working Saturday night from 6pm until 1pm Sunday dinnertime (Lunch time in Norfolk), went home, got three hours sleep, just to take the edge of it as I was really tired, and the rest of the day just went. Up at 5am monday, and today, as I'm doing 2 twelve hour day shifts on my days off, I've managed to get Wednesday off (Hooray for a lie in), then back on nights Thursday/Friday.

Not bad for a week of, eh? I'm set the my best month ever in the wages department as I'm only having 4 days off this month, mainly to change over from nights to days, for a single day, then I'm back on nights the day after. So I finish nights 7am Saturdays, off on Saturday night, work days Sundays, then back on nights Mondays.

My body clocks going to be totally shot through by the end of May, but as I said earlier, it's going to be my best month ever with the overtime, and bank holiday working.

I've had to put my xray off at the QE (that was going to be Monday) and my doctors review about the anti depressants (Tuesday), but I'm hoping to be able to get a doctors appointment tommorow. Still not feeling any different physically, but I am now sleeping, and sleeping very deeply and not waking up every so often, so that's a bonus. And I haven't had a Black Mood for ages either - so obviously somethings starting to kick in somewhere. I still crave isolation and need to be on my own though.

And I've had to put off relaunching the business for a fortnight. This is going to become more and more difficult to restart now as the new rota kicks in at work next month and I lose my blocks of days off which is 7 now, and its going to go down to three days off now, So times going to be tight.

But, at the moment, wages are my priority, and with the interest rate rise last week, and with another one forecast next month, my mortgage alone is going to be £900 monthly by August.
Paul

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Thursday 10th May - Closing Chapters

The power of the first of May continues to haunt me. That day has again claimed another victim that I know.

This time it was David, an artically intelligent man I got to know through my computer work. I sorted out a virus for him once and then set up his computer on broadband for him when civilisation eventually caught up with our estate. He was 74 (ish) and the stomach cancer finally got him 10 days ago.

I must also mention Annie, a lady I worked with on numerous occasions. Annie was in her late 50's and I always used to call her My Little Petal. She wasn't a conventional woman due to her hard Irish upbringing. She lived for her family but had a mans attitude to both work and life. I found out over the last weekend that she'd died about 6 months ago, and no-one from my job saw fit to tell me as she worked in Peterborough,where I used to work, and because I now work in Kings Lynn, none of the new management made the connection between us, which is why I haven't been told. Petal was a unique lady with a beautiful personality, and I shall miss her, especially the way she said thirty three, as the Irish dialect took over on this number only and she always used to say Tirty three. She died of ovary cancer.

I shall miss both people a lot.

Closing some more chapters, I have sorted out the fault with my anti virus company after sending them a professional (aka Really Snotty) letter. The technical manager rang me Tueday, I returned his call yesterday, sorted a dew things out with him, and my software, once again is fully working.

I'm exactly half way through my first course of prescribed anti depressants, and have a review with the doctor next Tuesday. The Family have not mentioned my affliction in days, so I guess they're getting used to it now. Do I feel better? No, not really, at least I haven't felt mentally happy yet, but give it time. The biggest difference I have noticed is that I'm generally calmer and don't get worked up so fast. thats worth it on it's own.

The new business is now finished, and I'm uploading the new format site over the weekend. The new format, having dropped the old one, means I can now sell using Paypal again, so I'm looking forward to building up the business again as soon as I can.

The only chapter I can't change at the moment is my finance one. I've kept the house for another month, but that's all I can afford to do. Nothing else whatsoever.

And the final chapter I'm closing now - I'm being forced to say goodbye to the Music Cassette. Currys, in their infinate wisdom, are going to stop selling them with immediate effect, and then stop selling the music systems with tape decks after Christmas. Farewell, Cassettes, you served my teenage years and my first 15 driving years very well. I shall miss you, although I still have several hundred cassettes here and I shall always have a cassette player.

Just like I've got a RECORD PLAYER. I don't care much for progress, I love my viynl and cassettes!

Paul
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Tuesday 8th May - Official Tea Duties Finish!

Well, the biggest thing to report today is that today is the last, or should be the last, day of my afternoon cooking duties for The Family.

My son gets his licence back at midnight so he'll be driving himself to and from work again. Hooray! This means that his mum doesn't have to get up at 6am every day to take him to work, and doesn't have to pick him up every afternoon. Which means we get back to normal. After 15 months of taxi and kitchen drudgery, its going o be wonderful.

Apart from that, I decided to set out at 6pm last night to get to work for 7, because I was late on my last bank holiday shift because of all the Hunstanton traffic, and all the day trippers going home.

Guess what? Not a single traffic jam or hold up in sight, sailed straight through. Which meant I got to work half hour early at 6.30! Could only happen to me, eh?

Still on nights this week, and I've "volunteered" for an extra night shift's overtime on Saturday night. I'm supposed to be starting this socialising thing on Sunday again by going to a barbeque, but as normal, I really don't fancy going out. What will be, will be. Lets see what time I get home, and what time my wife, The Wise One, proposes on starting our Barbeque adventure.

Did I use the overtime to try and get out of socialising? I Don't know. Maybe.

Okay, got to get The Family's tea ready. For the last time. Hooray!
Paul

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4.30am, Day Off, Sunday 6th May.

Well, here I am. 4.30am on a day off, just about to go through the door having had a phone call last night been called into work because of staff shortages. I'm working 6-9 am (ish)

So that's spoilt my only proper day off this week. Although it's only a 3 hour shift to act as a bridge between 2 men on shifts, its going to be more like 4 and half hours after travelling time.
So that's basically ruined my days start. I was going to spend the day in the garden after washing the cars.

The Teenage One returned home from a sleepover last night, and promptly kept me awake until 12.30 with the telly on loud. Banging on her bedroom wall normally suffices in such circumstances, but last night it didn't work. She was watching Sky in the front room.

I had to get up to sort it out, found that she'd fell asleep in front of the telly. Took great pleasure in waking her up, to advise her of the error of her ways, before turning the telly off. Bad Dad! And I so wanted to do the hoovering at 4.30am this morning, you know, that bit of carpet by the settee where she's fallen asleep!

Nothing much more to tell really. Finished Friday night shift at 7am yesterday, and the first day off is spent adjusting from working nights to being a "normal" human being on days again. So I never do much on Saturdays after finishing nights.

Okay, got to go.
Paul

Tuesday 3rd May - Voting Day

I've had to put a blog entry in today just to officially tell the world out there that I've voted for UKIP! (UK Independance Party, who are fighting to get Britain out of the European Union).

Hopefully we'll make more progress this time around chaps! Apart from that, a normal day really

I think thats its a combination of tiredness and being generally run down that brought on a low mood on last nights shift, started off about 1am this morning, but I'd started to feel "better" by 6am. Nice then, that when I get these moods now, that they're only lasting a few hours . Thank you Antidepressants! Can't remember the name of them, but they're working, or starting to at least.

I'm beating the flu (The Teenage Ones Lurgy), still feel, well rough really, and tired, but I think I'm at the tail end of the thing now. Had full blown symptoms again this morning, but only for two hours (?) then it mysteriously vanished as quick as it had re-surfaced.

Still working away on revamping my business membership site, uploading a few files each day, according to what time I get. I'm still aiming on restarting in the next 2 weeks or so - then you just watch me fly!

Still forgetting things - my recognition skills, which have never been brilliant if I'm honest have now totally shot through. Most people have problems remembering names, but just to be different, I can't remember faces, I'm not to bad at names. And the Family have had to wait for their tea twice over the last week or so because I've put the oven on to warm through, got busy doing whatever, and then forgot to the food in! The Family get back to find an hot oven, with the food still ontop of the cooker. Doh!

I just must be getting really old now!

Paul

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Tuesday 1st May, Dads Anniversary

Todays the Anniversary. At 7.30am (ish) on this day in 1981 I went downstairs as a 16 year old boy and found my dad sitting up on the settee, dead, having been woken by my mums scream from downstairs.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. I remember putting my hand on my Dads neck to check for a pulse, like they did in the films in those days, feeling his cold, hard stiffness and my mum really upset next to me. I called the ambulance, who also called our doctor, and the rest of the day was spent in turmoil.

That day alone is responsible for instilling in me my chronic sense of urgency. The congential heart condition inherited by my male family line had killed him after a long, 2 year illness. He was 49.

I must also mention the other father figure in my life too. His name was Bill, and he is my wifes dad. Today is also his anniversary for he also died on this date, 10 years ago, pre empting absolute chaos for our plans moving down here from the Midlands. Bill died in the QE hospital. Overtime, we had grown close from being total strangers.

So, all told, May 1st is not particularily brilliant for me. It has, however, taught me that life is valuable and we each owe it to ourselves to get the most out of our life before it ends, as one day, soon, it surely will.

So, today, I have no moans. I am just appreciating this valuable gift of life, and remembering two of the most important men in my life. I am looking forward to midnight though, because then, it will be another new day.

Until tomorrow,
Paul

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